Life.

The past week or so has been a little crazy.

I started going back to work about three weeks ago. I had been injured so I was home for a month (crush injury to my foot). I felt fine. Things just picked up where they left off. Of course, everyone asked me how I had been doing, and what exactly happened, etc, etc, etc. The point is, everything felt fine.

Earlier this week, I started to get a feeling of dread in my gut. The type of feeling that usually comes before I have a panic attack. *Panic attacks and anxiety are nothing new to me.* The thing is, I hadn't had a panic attack in months. I started depression medication a few months ago, and it's been helping me a lot. Now normally there is some sort of trigger for my panic attacks, but there is nothing that I can think of that brought this on.

The thing about this feeling of dread that makes it different from all the other times is that it wouldn't go away. Usually I have a panic attack and then it's over in a few minutes. Not this time. This time I had the feeling of a panic attack that wouldn't happen all the way. Like when you feel like you're going to throw up, but the bile never gets further than your throat. I felt like complete shit.

I have never self-harmed. Even when I have had suicidal thoughts, I have never self-harmed. This time, however, I felt like I would. A war was going on within my mind. I was hurting. Emotionally, mentally, and physically. It wouldn't stop. Part of me was saying to hurt myself. If I just hurt myself, maybe the awful feelings would go away. The other part of me was saying that that was a terrible idea. Hurting myself wouldn't make anything better. It would make everything worse in the long run. Self-harming is not the right answer.

I was scared. I don't like asking for help. I never have. But I told my mom how I felt and that I was scared I might do something if I was left alone. So, I spent the night at her house. That night felt like hell. The attacks got worse. I cried for about three or four hours, but I didn't feel any better like I usually do after crying. I eventually managed to go to sleep for a while.

The next day we went to the doctor. Basically, it was decided that I am going to go back to seeing a therapist regularly. I'm not too excited about that. But if it works, it's better than feeling the way I have been.

So, now here I am typing this. I still feel panicky and muddled. I have called out of work for this week, because the doctor and my mom thought it would be a good idea for me to try to relax. Hopefully I don't end up getting fired. That would kind of suck.

I guess my point in writing all of this was just to get it out of my system. They say laughter is the best medicine, but I'd say writing does a pretty good job as well. Though laughter has helped too. I've been listening to my Bo Burnham CDs on repeat the past few days. Bo Burnham is a musical comic in case you didn't know. He's pretty hilarious.

Now I am going to go drink some tea and do some reading to relax my brain a little.