I relapsed. Again.

Well... It's been a long time since I was on here, but I plan on getting active... Post some stories, poems, whatever... But, that's not what this blog is about. It's about something far more serious than that, and something far more... mature? So, I guess I wouldn't recommend reading this if you're faint at heart. But, yeah, here goes:

I'm a drug addict. A hardcore drug addict. I mean meth, coke, heroin, ecstasy, pills... everything. I'm the person who would take the pills and then be like, "dude, that was awesome! What was that?!" I'm only fifteen, too, so it's pretty bad... Anyway, I've been trying to get clean for a year and a half now (note: "trying" not "succeeding"), and, as of May first, I got clean again. That lasted until a couple of hours ago...

My boyfriend (who has never done drugs in his life, mind you) picked me up from summer school with his friend, who I will call "Pepper," and we drove (my boyfriend is 17) downtown to pick up Pepper's girlfriend and Pepper's girlfriend's friend. We went to the mall and kicked it for a couple hours, then Pepper got a text and was like, "man, I gotta go home." So, we left.

In between the mall and Pepper's house lives my friend from Narcotics Anonymous, who I shall call "Tina." So, I had my boyfriend drop me off at Tina's apartment complex. She lives in the farthest back building of the complex, so, it's a walk to get to her apartment from the front of the complex. As I was walking, this old, frail, black man comes up to me and offers me some cocaine. I was like, "I haven't got any money, man..." And you know what he said?

"It's all good, I'll give you a free sample and my number, if you like it, call me."

I don't what happened in my head at that point, but, all of a sudden, all I wanted was that cocaine. I felt like I needed it more than anything in the world. So, like an idiot, I agreed. He subtly passed me a baggie and I put his number in my phone. I put the baggie in my bra and finished my walk to Tina's apartment. Of course, at that point, I didn't care about seeing Tina, I just wanted to snort that damn coke.

So, I got to Tina's apartment, and, as soon as she let me in, I was like, "man, I have to pee!" and ran to her bathroom. I pulled out the baggie, pulled out my wallet, pulled out a one dollar bill (which is all I had), and I snorted that cocaine in Tina's bathroom.

Let me remind you that Tina is my friend from Narcotics Anonymous.

So, I kicked it at Tina's house until my dad came to picked me up, and, the whole time, I was just doing everything in my power to hide that I was tweaking. Which worked. I mean, as an addict who's been using since they were eleven, I know how to hide it when I'm screwed up. So, I got home, and I sat around for a bit, then snorted the rest of the coke. I sat around and just sped for some amount of time, and then it hit me: I screwed up. Big time. Again.

And, now, here I am. Still speeding off of that cocaine, wondering how I always manage to screw things up and/or screw myself over.

I can't wait to go to my NA meeting tomorrow and tell everyone what happened. Especially Tina and her roommate/babydaddy/friend from NA. Note the sarcasm.

I don't know why I did it, aside from the fact that I'm an addict and I get complacent and cocky... But, I did. And I needed to get it off of my chest. So, here's a blog about it. Please, please, please do not post a comment if it's going to be rude or degrading. I really don't need that right now.

Yeah.

That is all.