My Evolution

Constructing words that actually formulate my emotions seems almost impossible. I am filled with animosity, fear, anxiety, & that empty feeling that you left me when you packed your bags to leave. It has been over a year since the last time I have seen you, I guess that is a good thing. Even the slightest resemblance sends my heart on a rampage. We've played this game of tag for quite some time now & I was so close to freedom. Your name is burned in the back of my throat, you were the fire that caught me, you were my James Dean & I your Audrey Hepburn. I don't really know how to explain this new feeling beneath my rib cage, but I guess that's just fine.

Curiosity took over me for a few months; I was desperate to know why you insisted on coming back when you meant destruction. You must have known what you were doing to me was antagonizing, right? Of course you don't. You apologized, so I guess you thought that was your ticket to continue your voyage of ripping me to pieces. I am a sore eye with blurry vision, I am nothing special, but to you I was beyond perfection. I miss that. I miss how all of my flaws were what you loved most, what kept you here with me. There are times where I can still feel you lay your head down on my embrace, you'r so far away.

Just a fair warning, this is just a rant on how my relationship failed horribly & I am yet to get over it. I don't expect anyone to read after to this point, or if they even got this far. It's mind capturing, isn't it? We thrive on everyone else's pain. No point in denying it. That's basically what our relationship survived off of. We fed off of each other's emotions, it revitalized us. It's sick, twisted, & demented, but that's just how it was. I don't regret anything from the two of us, we made those choices because they felt right at the time. I can't take them back, so no need to loath them.

I understand why he left, there is probably something wrong with me indeed. I am indecisive, I am destructive, I just could really care less. It's scary because I care so much about not caring. It seems unreasonable to go through life being unnoticed, it's a cliche, but you only live once. You might as well die for something important. At least that's how I feel. He didn't. We never agreed on that end but were able to agree to disagree. I remember those nights that I would stay at your house all night & all we would do was cuddle & fall asleep together.

Your icy blue eyes hypnotized me, you were so gentle with everything you did. Your temper never bared through your surface, you always kept your dark passenger hidden from me, for my own protection. You were a gentlemen, always putting your girlfriend first. We were so naive, we made plans that were so far ahead in time, we were so lost in the idea of eternal love. You pop up in my life when everything finally started to calm down from your last visit, & then I am back in square one. You never really kept anything hidden, especially when it came to me. All secrets were published to one another, that is another down fall between us.

I'm not going to sit here & say that I don't miss you, or want you back, because that would be a lie, & that isn't what kind of person I am. We both know what I feel is torturous, especially when I had to witness you try to forget me with another, yeah, that burned. What doesn't kill you doesn't make you stronger, it makes you more pissed off. After all that we went through, after all that was said, after all that we promised, you threw me away as if I was a piece of trash. Am I really that easy to dispose of? I must be that bad I guess. I must be absolutely nothing if it was that easy for you.