Won't You Just Marry Me Already!?!

August 28, 2007
Why the world is f**ked up…

I have finally found a perfect guy. Down to the fact that he’s not perfect like me. He drinks, he fights, he’s got dumb ideas once in awhile, and he loves me. And for the first time in my life, I love him back like I have never loved anyone before. I’ve had love that’s gone on for years. And I’ve been miserable because of it. But the reason was because I wasn’t loved back. And I’ve felt the feeling of being let down. And I’ve been given that hug that says “I’m sorry, but good bye.” And those words “It’s just not going to work…” that hurt more in that order than any other words in the English language as far as I can tell. But that’s just me. And on top of that. I’ve been the one to say no a couple of times. I’ve been the one to back down and say sorry. And it sucks. It sucks both ways more than I can tell you. So how is it possible to have two people fall in love with the same commitment at the same time? I have no fucking clue. But it happened somehow this summer. And now he’s been gone for a full month today back to Tennessee where he must finish his senior year of high school while I stay here in California and start my freshmen year of college and I’m dying. We’re both dying. I have no idea how I am going to get through this year. It’s eight months till he moves out here. And the plan is still to be together then. And then for as long as we want. He asked me to marry him about ten times and I keep saying yes.

But now we are in the mist of waiting and I’m miserable thinking about him all the time. There’s less time to talk like before. His idea is to keep “us” as a casual thing, but I’m trying to remember the promise we made to each other and trying to believe that that is what we will uphold. I need a promise I guess. And I feel like when he said we shouldn’t label ourselves as a couple for this time, it was like a punch in the stomach to me. And I said yes. I said ok because I don’t want to loose him naturally. But now that I’ve had the sleepless nights to think about it, this makes it all the harder for me and I can’t fucking understand why this is supposed to be easier for him. Nothing has literally changed, and we still love each other, but I want to know that a month from now, the “I love you” is the same love he gave me this summer when I knew beyond reason that it was real. I want to know that he’s still waiting. I don’t believe that he’ll be with anyone else. He doesn’t want anyone else and neither do I. Logically, we could both go our ways for this time, but I don’t know what I could possibly find that could be better then what I have right now. So as he said, he would just want to break up and come out here and be with me. And I feel the same way.

So the fact is we are just waiting in limbo for this next eight months to go by, which is not a very long time, but then again it’s an eternity and as it goes, it gets farther and farther away from the last time that we were together.

I just want nothing more then to be in his arms again, in front of a TV or the local concert at 924 Gilman where we met (yes, the most romantic place to possibly meet in my book at least:)), and went back a second time together the last day we were together. I just want to be there where nothing else in the whole world matters except for me and him. And I can’t have that feeling for another eight months and it’s suffocating.

My school doesn’t start for another 25 days and I wish to hell I could move in tomorrow and just get busy and get it over with so I can see him again. So I can see new faces and figure out my life a little rather then waiting here at home wondering what the hell I am going to do and being as miserable in my room as I used to be when I was 15, 16 and I really was alone. Or 17 and dumped and alone. He’s still with me and I tell myself he’s waiting, but I really just don’t know what to do, and the most frustrating part of it is, there is absolutely nothing that I can do but wait. Just don’t die, keep breathing, don’t get thrown in jail and preferably don’t flunk out of school. But it sucks so much you just want to throw yourself out the fucking window all over again.

So I’m sitting here sober in my room wishing to hell I had a cigarette, wishing I was in college so I could freely have a cigarette without the parents knowing, and knowing there’s beer in the other room but not wanting any because I don’t really like drinking anymore. So I just wish I was high and could forget this shit, but I’m not and I can’t be.

I’m just so ready to get out of this house, to go start my own life in a new place and start making it MY life. I want to have MY money to spend, and I have some saved, but I want to use it for what I need in my home, I want my own space, I want to be able to have Red Bull in my refrigerator without someone whining or a sibling stealing it. I wish more than ever I could have him here. I want to paint the walls in the colors I want and eventually I want to have a family. And best of all about Travis, he wants to give me that. I and I want to make that for him.

I get headaches. Tension headaches are what they have finally when dubbed as by a neurologist. So I’ll be going to the chiropractor which should hit the same pressure points as a massage. Annoyingly, though also wonderfully, Travis is a trained masseuse after this summer. He gave me two while he was here. And we were happy together. I swear I never got one headache during that time for almost a month. Just a few little twinges. And likewise, he gets panic attacks come to find out. And he has been getting them again. Including one of the worst he’s ever had yesterday. And I wished I could be there to hold him and tell him it’s ok. He said it hurt his stomach so bad he couldn’t talk for an hour. I just wanted to be there. He sarcastically said no, he wouldn’t want me seeing him like that, but I said, “But I do.” I want to be there for him through everything we have to go through. And maybe if I had been there, it wouldn’t have happened.

And he has to stop feeling bad and having attacks, because when he feels bad, I already feel crappy and then I just feel crappier instead of making it better because there is nothing that I can do out here except cry about it.

In the end, I’m just scared shitless. I’m scared of being the weak one and submitting to what he thinks should be better. I’m scared of loosing him, of letting go too far and seeing us fade away. I’m scared of seeing all the heaven we had being turned around and made a lie, but it’s pretty well stated that that is not going to happen. The last thing we want to do is hurt me, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him. I’m just scared of living now. I used to not be afraid of dieing, but now there are so many things I want to do and so many opportunities opened that I’m scared they will be missed. And I know that that is probably a better way to be; not to live in fear, but to care about life and to WANT to live it. I’m torn up inside right now, and I don’t know how to live, but I don’t want to die for anything. Because we could be so happy. I’m so close and yet so far away. And we’re just not quite old enough to let go, and to make it on our own. So college should be good.

I’m still young. I’ve been told that I’m pretty. And the only thing that is fucking it up is 2000 miles, 2000 light-years and 1000 hours of walking from here to there. I tell myself I’ll be ok. He says he loves me and I say I love him. And for the first time I know that both of us really mean it. I just can’t understand why we're so lonely. But he’s still there right now and I love him. And I know best, that it never goes away.

~If you read even a third of that, thanks a million for listening to the saga. It does feel good to say the whole story at once and not to hold back. Again, thanks mibba peoples :)