I'm just so... BLAH.

Some of you who read this will know exactly what I'm talking about, considering you are probably reading it. I started a new fic. It's not the one I talked about in a previous blog post, though.

This is a Frerard set in a journal entry style format. It's titled, "Hello? Journal? It's me, Frank." The title is a play on the 1970's book by Judy Bloom titled Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret. I honestly have no idea what the book is about, seeing as I've never read it. But when I was trying to come up with a name for my new fic (and could only come up with a boring "Frank's Journal"), that just sort of came up in my thoughts. After playing with it for a while, the title was born.

Now this entire fic is nothing but Frank's journal entries. The entire story is colored in Frank's perspective. From every character to every situation to, well, everything, it is all seen from Frank's point of view and through Frank's own opinions. I'll be the first to admit that Frank is sometimes the bratty teenager in this fic, but I plan on him growing into quite the mature adult as this fic progresses towards completion.

So far, I have posted only thirteen of the twenty-five chapters I have written. (I write two to three chapters a night.) I've had one hundred seventeen readers, of which sixty-one subscribed and eighteen recommended my fic. And I've garnered seventy-eight comments. Now, being the math person I am, I'm going to break this down a little. That means fifty-two percent of the people that have read some part of my fic liked it enough to subscribe to it; that's over HALF! And I get on average, right now, six comments a chapter (and I post a new chapter everyday). To me, six comments a day is crazy!

While I'm sure there are many other fics on Mibba that have had much better starts, I am completely honored and humbled at the same time! I am really just blown away by the response to this new fic of mine.

But I didn't write this to brag; I'm writing this to let out some of my fears. I was just justifying why what I'm about to say makes NO SENSE!

I'm really worried about this story. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the format, and I LOVE writing it! If I didn't, I wouldn't have written twenty-five chapters in just ten days! But I'm afraid others are going to tire of it being only Frank's perspective all the time. Or they are going to tire of waiting for the Frerard to start. (A quick spoiler, the readers will FINALLY get a small taste of Frerard in chapter twenty-two... TWENTY-TWO! Who waits twenty-two chapters to write in the damn Frerard action?! And then, it's STILL not hot and heavy, sexy smut; it's cute, snuggly, PG rated Frerard at that!) Or maybe the readers will tire of paraphrased conversations. Or the way "Frank" writes. (I'm sure if you read my new fic and this blog post, you'll see the similarities between them, with the exception of Frank's HORRID grammar! God, I can't WAIT for him to fix that!!) I don't know!

When I was thinking about trying something new and that I had never seen done (well) before, I wasn't thinking about how people would see it in the long run! Quite frankly, I never even THOUGHT about the long run of it! I just dove in head first without checking the water depth. Now I'm wondering if I'm going to hit my head on the bottom or not.

I've got some terrific friends! I'm thinking of two in particular. Yekith and murderdolls_queen. Both of them are phenomenal people that you should get to know if you don't already know them. Anyway, I have ranted and complained to both of them about my fears and anxiety over this story. I got the same reply from both of them: if anyone can pull off this story, it will be me personally. Wow! And it's not that I don't believe them; I would never think they were lying to me or just saying what they thought I wanted to hear. Neither of them is that kind of person! So why does it not make me feel better? Why I am even stressing about a fic that, if it were anyone else's fic, I would think was off to an incredible start? What is my problem?!

I know the answer to those questions, though. I can answer all three with one single sentence. I have horrible self-esteem about my writing. I really don't think I'm all that wonderful of a writer, by any standard. I'm amateur, at best. And I don't take rejection well at all; somewhere in my subconscious, I feel like every rejection is somehow a personal attack on my writing abilities. So for every wonderful and praising comment I get, I can only see the two negative comments or people who didn't even leave a comment. (Not that I've really gotten much negative response to my new fic on any of my four forums; I'm thinking more about my other fics I've written.)

I swear to you, I am not just trying to get people to boost my ego or praise my works or abilities here! REALLY, I'M NOT! I just need to get this out of my system somewhere without running my friends into the ground with it! I feel like there are only so many times I can bash myself to my friends before they finally don't want to even answer my messages anymore! And I LOVE my friends; I really don't want to push them away like that!

I just don't get why I can't relish in the wonderful response and praise this fic is getting! Why can I not leave my writing failures behind and just let this fic stand on its own? Why must I constantly berate myself?

I am SO pathetic...