Oh Life, How I Love to Hate You Sometimes

Life in general is going good. I love my boyfriend with all my heart, he has stuck around through some pretty awful things that any normal guy would run from, yet here he is, still by my side. Over the weekend I decided to try my hardest and just let go of my previous relationship that left me shattered. Everything was fine. I threw away all my old journals about her, all my pictures of her and all the notes. Yeah, well that was the easy part.

Knowing that she cheated on me with one of my exes, yeah I have gotten over that. Why? Well to tell you the truth they fully deserve each other. They are both cheaters, and they think they know how to love and care but they don't, so evidently, they deserve to be together. However, I hope they both realize that karma will always find the ones that need it the most. Oh well.

Letting go of her was the easy part, letting go of her child that I took on as my own is the toughest thing I will ever have to let go of. I still have all of his pictures and everything. He would call me mom and always called his actual mom, the other mom. She was never mom. I played the mom role. I took care of him, I did it all and for what? Never to see him again. Just to watch in the background while my ex takes my place. He's only 5 and doesn't understand. My ex and I talked about letting me adopt him and so on and so fourth, well now I guess she's talking to her about doing it. This poor child has only seen backsides of the people he loves most because of the monster he does have to call mom. His dad has tried to make an effort to see him, but she won't allow it. She just laughs at every attempt he makes.

I gave up because she turned psycho about it. It's not worth it. I did everything that I possibly could. I need to come to terms with this, but in all reality, how? I felt like I lost my own child. As time goes on, the memories become harder and harder to bear, because the realization that all I have are memories are extremely tough to swallow. Last night was the first time in ever I didn't see fireworks. I was so depressed, and then I realized it wasn't because I couldn't see them, it was because for the first time in two years that I wasn't with my little monster watching his face light up as they shoot off up into the sky.

Instead, I read. It distracted me. That was until I had a dream about them. Oi. Why do this to me? I am already suffering, why make me suffer in the sleep I barely get in the first place? I woke up feeling uneasy. I also woke up realizing that I can't do this to myself anymore. I do have memories. They were great memories. For me, I have to allow that chapter of my long, long, long journey close. It is no longer my present. I sure as hell can not make it become part of my future.

So right now, trying to let go of my little one is tough, but I know I did all the right things for him. For me? Well, letting go and moving on will be for the best. I have a new boyfriend who loves me more than anything. Since the whole breakup 7 months ago I realized that I have gained my freedom back. I don't always have to worry about a little one. I don't have to worry about who is going to watch him. I don't have to worry about what kind of mood she is in. I am finally free to be me. I am 24, and I have so much going for me. As much as I loved playing mommy for two years, well, all in all, I like my freedom that I have a little bit more. Children can wait. When the time is right, then I will have a child.

For him: I love you and always will. This is the best for both of us. I have to let go. You are just a memory that made my life amazing. I am sure I am nothing more than a memory to you, and I do hope you remember the good times we shared. I wish you all the best and I hope you are being treated right and have a life full of happiness my little monster <3 I love you always.

Thanks for listening,

July 5th, 2012 at 07:18pm