I'm being kicked out. Again.

I'm so heartbroken. It's hard to actually, properly convey how I feel every time my mother starts this kind of thing again. I feel shattered, and worthless, and just plain sad, really. I didn't mean to do anything wrong. I didn't mean to make her angry. Hell, I was trying to agree with her, though evidently that didn't work.

My boyfriend had a job interview tonight, and if he gets the job and they need him to start immediately, he wasn't sure what to do about his current position. He works as a cleaner for grocery stores, under the table, nightshift, with the Portugese family that has the contract. It's shitty hours for less than minimum wage, and they treat him with no respect.

A ride to work was part of the deal when he signed up, but they often come hours late, meaning that he is losing sleep time while he waits for them to show, but also means he has to work much later into the day, which screws everything up entirely. They also try to forbid him from doing anything on his time off - they tried to make him cancel his plans for a weekend out, just in case they wanted him to cover their shifts.

So I told him to just accept his new position, because it's not like they gave him any consideration. He deserves this new job. He's not even legally required to give his two weeks' because he wasn't a contracted worker or whatever.

My mother, who is constantly telling him to stand up for himself, heard me say this, and got really pissed off. All about how those people are her friends and that's the most disgusting thing she's ever heard and what kind of horrible person am I, etc. She's constantly telling him to just up and leave this cleaning position because they're crap bosses. But as soon as I say something, it's the apocalypse.

I mean, whatever, she's a hypocrite, but it's not that big a deal on its own. But on top of that, because I said anything at all, she begins to rip me apart entirely. I'm lazy, I'm worthless, I'm stupid, I'm fat (actual quote: "Haha, you're so fat now that you have back rolls. Ew." I'm like 140 pounds and at my age/height, I should be 125-130 or so. shut up go away forever).

And, as I'm leaving the room, "pack up your shit. I can't deal with your bullshit any more."

I try (tried, maybe. I gave up) to make her happy. I clean her house. I cook her food, I raise her kid. I mean, she pays the bills, so that's really lovely of her, but instead of food, the money often goes to weed or alcohol. Which is fine, I guess, she has the right to have those things, but when I ask for $35 for school, why do you have to tell me to fuck off and order Smirnoff instead?

I don't do drugs, I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't even sleep with my boyfriend of three and a half years - not because I feel like I'm a better person for it, but because that's what you want.

I just wish you could be proud of me. I do.