Prom is over, my obsession with Jamie isn't.

Yes! That's right! You don't have to put up with my incessant whining about it anymore! It's done! It's over! It was great!
Seriously I haven't had that much fun since I got hammered at my cousin's wedding and struck up an hour long conversation with a concrete pillar about how amazing my friend's boobs are.
"Sheer-ee-yushly! Dey're like... fatty pillowsh! I mean... dude..."
So... yeah!
I didn't exactly wear a tux but I got a cool shirt and a waistcoat that I fell in love with and felt like a boss in when I wore it. I will post pictures up at some point but not when it's 2:45 am and I can't sleep.

The reason I can't sleep? Oh you guys are gonna love this.
Jamie.

Yes the Jamie from the last journal. He's like a drug to me. Sometimes I need to talk to him so much that it physically hurts me if I can't. Like, sometimes I can't breath and my mind goes foggy and my body aches everywhere and I can't see. They're some of the most terrifying moments of my life. And I can't tell him about it because I'm clinging on to this friendship that I'm lucky enough to still have with him and if I tell him about the extent of my feelings and what I'd do just to make him happy then I'm terrified that I'd scare him away.

And as much as I need to talk to him, I can't because I have a feeling that this insane amount of trust I place in him isn't mutual. I would tell him every last dark depressing secret I have but I feel like I know nothing about him and it kills me and I just can't take it sometimes.

I started self-harming again. Over a boy. A boy who I'm probably never going to see again.

My life is fucked and I'm only 16. I don't even want to imagine what I'll be like when I'm 30.

If I get to 30 that is.