I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like shit, you know? He can tell me how much I mean to him, I stopped him from doing this or that, he has special allowances for me, he loves me but holy shit, does it really fucking matter what comes out of his fucking throat if he fucking melts whenever he gets attention from someone else? And he likes other people so. I mean, what. And it's... fucking degrading in a way. I'm not enough to keep your attention, fine, I could live with that but do you have to fuck with me? Do you have to remind me how much you like me? Do you have to touch me? I don't know. Do you have to lie to me? I mean, maybe you do feel this way and that way about me why the fuck would you bother telling me, fucking teasing me if you're just going to do other shit? Fuck you. It hurts, okay? So, it's either that you feel this way for me but you don't want to do anything more than what we do, or you don't and you're just trying to hurt me. I don't know and I don't know what to do. I love you. I'm not saying 'I love you,' as in 'this is the greatest emotion I could ever feel for you,' because it's not. But I do love you. I love you and I could love you more, I could fall right into you, and I would love to except it'd be like sticking my hand in the garbage disposal to get out a ring.

That's what this is really. I'm going through hell for just the fucking opportunity, the fucking gesture, of a commitment between us. It's fucking insane and I'm too young for this shit. For your shit. Because, at the end of the day, I don't need you. I want you. I want you so fucking bad sometimes there's nothing I can do to keep myself from boiling over and I fucking erupt. It's shit. I don't want to want anyone like that. But you. You don't need me, you don't want me, you want someone to make you feel better. You want someone to make you feel smart, funny, and attractive. Someone, anyone, a fucking mannequin, and of all the people you could possibly choose, it's never going to be me. It never has been. When you feel bad, you come to me because you know I'll give you that sort of compassion you want. When you're sad, you'll remember me, remember that I exist for more because you know that no matter what I'm doing, I'll get out of it to make sure you're doing well. But that's just it – I will do anything for you but either you don't see that or you don't care because it's from me. Someone you don't want.

I just... I hate this. If you want me but don't want to fuck with me, fine. Stop acting like my feelings matter so goddamn much and date someone else. I'd rather suffer in hell than suffer in purgatory.

But when it's good, it's great. When you tell me you love me. When your voice changes while you talk to me. How I can turn you on so easily. Make you blush. Your laugh, your fucking laugh, I fucking adore it. It makes me happy. You make me happy when you're happy with me and I know that's selfish but I think loving anyone, saying 'I love you,' is as selfish as it gets, and I'm not opposed to digging the hole any deeper. I love you. I want you. It's shit that this happened to me when I'm so young because you're it for me. You're the first and last person I'll love and that's not your fault, it's just how my mind works. I don't want to search anymore so you can have it. I don't care if you don't want it, it's yours right now and forever. I'm not saying it to be romantic or to entice you. I spent so much time thinking I could never love anyone and I found someone and I fucking love it. I love to love you. I don't want to share or split or duplicate this. I'm... sentimental.

Just don't expect me to be around when you choose her over me. I love you and I liked you from the moment I met you – I felt you needed care, so I gave you that. I gave you attention. I don't treat friends the way I treat you. I don't answer their calls at 12 or 3 in the morning , happy as fuck to just hear your fucking voice, I don't text them when I'm busy just so they don't think I forgot about them... So, when you decide... when you go, 'she's better than him,' fine. But I'm done with you. I wash my hands. I'll always love you, but as much as I'll let you make me feel like less than an understudy, there's shit I refuse to handle and that's being completely pushed out of the way. I don't care if you just want to 'test' it, I don't care if you break up with her and come to me, I don't give a fuck. Whatever happens after that point is none of my fucking business.

But again. There's the saying, 'quit while you're behind.' I don't know if I want to wait this out because I'm not even sure if this is worth it.
July 7th, 2012 at 07:04am