I Want To Talk + Long Introduction

I have a tendency to alienate myself, even when I don't mean to.

But hey. I'm Trevor, most days, but you wanna get more personal, my real name is a continent – guess it. I'm sixteen years old as of July 2nd. My passion in life is writing. I love it and I've been writing for six years now, since ten years old. I've suffered from depression since about that age. It's gotten better, which is pretty cool, but yeah, it comes back every now and again, mostly just recently. I also do a bit of graphic design, a bit of HTML, learning Python, learning some more coding languages in fall. I have mood swings like a motherfuck, and I'm not sure if it's teenaged hormones or if I've inherited bipolar disorder from my dad, or if I've developed borderline personality disorder from my childhood. Honestly, it creeps me out sometimes, I can cycle through emotions in the span of an hour. It's cool because I don't have to deal with it AFTER it's over, but holy shit, getting sad, getting depressed, getting mad, being blissfully happy, then neutral as fuck in the span of 60 minutes with no real external causes is fucking insane, alright? Alright. Dat shit cray. Only one person knows I go through that since we spend way too much fucking time together. I would prefer to keep that type of thing a secret but this is the internet, no1curr.

I love video games. I own a PS3, PS2, PS1, Gamecube, Wii, Nintendo, Nintendo 64, Sega, Sega Genesis, and an Atari, but I don't touch it because what if I break it, oh my god, no. I mean, the thing is solid as a fucking brick, but I'm paranoid, sue me. Also, I've a lot of handhelds that I don't really use so I'm not counting them. I've not played a lot of 'classic' game titles since, well, I watched my older cousin play them and since he had them, I never really felt the need to ask to get them, even if I never played them. Weird. Yeah. I like a bit of Anime but I don't watch it as much as I'd like to – if you know any good ones, please suggest them to me. I love horror, romance, action, holy shit, just give me something worthwhile and I know I can get into it. I'm an INTP, you know, the whole MBTI thing but I don't really put too much faith in that stuff anymore. Not that I ever did but I suppose I cared more and thought it represented a part of me I could never quite understand, however, I see now that it's mostly just a 2D figure masquerading as 3D. Flat. Depressing.

Hmmm. Current updates about my life. Well, to be honest, the only real thing going on that I'm okay with disclosing has been posted about in two other blog posts but, what the hell. I love a guy. Oh, also, I'm Trevor and I'm gay, that's old news, I ain't even fazed 'bout dat. Ahem. I love him, though. I'm not 'in love,' and I'm not at the highest possible caliber of emotion I could feel for him, but, que sera sera, fuck semantics. It's one of those situations where if you went back in time, you'd bitch slap yourself for getting into it. For even contemplating the idea because, let me just... let me just list the reasons why this is hard as fuck:

1. He's barely bisexual, ok, he's like, 'I accept that I am sexually attracted to you but this upsets me a little bit but not so much since time has gone on BUT STILL.'

2. He's getting over an ex. ENOUGH SAID, YO.

3. He's got girls wanting him every which fucking way, WHAT THE FUCK, why. And he's all, 'I will flirt with these womenz,' and I'm all, 'oh ok.' Also, side-note, this motherfucker legit questioned the fuck out of me over a dude I had relations with OVER A YEAR AGO. Legit. Legitimately questioned, he was angry as fuck, like, I was like, 'dude, calm yo dick, it ain't even that serious,' but I gotta sit my ass back and just be comfortable as girls kiss his cheek and he's looking for other people in PRESENT DAY. THROWING SHIT. SO ANGRY. After his little fit he was all, 'I will support you in all your dating endeavors,' and I'm like, 'fuck you.'

4. Distance. ENOUGH SAIDDDDDDDDDD. But no, see, he visited out here, we met, bad ass shit went on, he went back, can't have relationshit because we're too far, ok, I get that, yeah, but he's all... we're all... so much shit.

5. I know he likes me. I don't know if he loves me, he's said it but I think he's confused rn, I'll let him have that, but anyway, THIS IS THE THING. The problem is he loves attention. FROM ANYONE. ANYONE. ANYONE. Ugh. So it's like... it's like... fuck.

6. We're not dating because of distance. Yes. But see, here's the thing. He's still so perfecttttt, we just, we flirt and we do things and I can't, my poor young heart, ok, and he's like, 'you've become a part of me,' and i'm like 'stop trying to put the moves on me,' but inside i'm like, 'be still, my heart.'

7. He has dissociative identity disorder. Enough said.

And that's not including all the little shit in between that has made this a fucking stressful situations, oh my God. I don't know how to deal with so many EMOTIONS. Heh. But yeah. Chilling out with that. Bullshit. Kind of hate this sort of thing, you know? Hate it. Burn in hell. But, c'est la vie.
July 8th, 2012 at 04:25am