I'm sorry my first two blog posts are all "My life is a sad joke." I don't mean to make it look that way. After this post I'll try to make the posts less upsetting.
I'm not good at writing about fresh pain like this, bear with my please while I type, erase, reread, and finally publish this for you all to see. Start time: 3:35am
Hurting people has never bothered me, unless it's someone close to me. When I do something to someone who is like a part of me it haunts me after. So since I don't have a single tear left in me to shed I'm trying to write this out to maybe gain some momentary peace from venting a bit.
I broke up with my boyfriend. But, it wasn't like he did anything wrong, I just couldn't shake the feeling that I was slowly losing him, despite him and many others telling me otherwise. After 5 years of friendship and 2 years of being a couple, with one painful break up in the past thrown in there, I couldn't make this feeling go away. We've been in a long distance relationship the entire time we were together. Now I wasn't a stranger to long distance relationships, but my luck with them was terrible before he came around. February 28, 2010, it started out as a joke to be together to upset some ex who I forget a long time ago, I didn't expect to fall in love with him. I'd liked him, I was just really terrible with expressing my feelings when we first met and he didn't see me that way because he was always with someone. When my time to shine came around it was after we had stopped speaking for a year and I don't recall who had IM'ed whom first but we caught up and caught each other up on the last year we had missed. After that we spent countless nights up late video chatting, texting, IM'ing, just avoiding losing contact again. When we got around to being in a "relationship" it was difficult to keep in mind that it wasn't suppose to be real, but it wasn't like either of us were talking to anyone else. Somewhere down the line I couldn't take it anymore and spoke up, thankfully I wasn't the only one with feelings. Our "relationship" became an actual relationship after I believe 3 or 4 months.
I feel like i'm saying too much, i'll try to cut back a bit.
Skipping over to a year ago February 18-19, 2011, he broke up with me, to say he broke me heart doesn't begin to cover it. I couldn't let him go, he tried to keep contact but it hurt to speak to him each time. Wounds were being ripped open over and over each time. I was depressed for who knows how long. I met someone who tried his hardest to cheer me up, after many months I accepted his kindness and we lasted 3 weeks together. He couldn't take it anymore. At the time my boyfriend had found a girlfriend and that just opened up my wounds everyday as I had to watch this go on. Once this girl was no longer around and he told me he was going to be a father I lost all hope. I thought long and hard about what I wanted. I only wanted him. But I couldn't break up the chance of this child having a family with two loving parents. I don't remember how many months we spent going back and forth as I insisted he try things with the mother of his child. They hated each other, or I saw it as he hated her and she loved him. We still weren't together, just still saying 'I love you's and being in love. I tried leaving his life before the baby came because I knew I didn't want to be around this child knowing it was my fault her parents weren't together. But that lasted maybe a month before he contacted me. I was now waiting for this child to come any day. We were going to see how it went after she was born and go from there. She was born and when he texted me my heart sunk, I mean I was happy for him, but I didn't know what to expect. E (not putting out her name out of respect for her parents.) was born earlier this year and she was breath taking. I love children, but I didn't think I would absolutely love her. I couldn't stomach the thought of even disliking her, she made him so happy, I don't think I would've wanted it any other way. When what would've been our 2 year anniversary rolled around I was somewhat stable enough though I still scratched at my old wounds every now and then. We talked that day, even if it was awkward. Towards the end of the night it was sort of a "I don't know what's stopping me moment" when he was going to ask to be with me again. It came out though and we were happy.
Now, for the last month or so we've been fluctuating a lot. He works a lot so he can take care of E. Any other time he has he spends trying to sleep, with E, or occasionally sees his best friend. We would talk, but the time in between each talk would grow a little more every time. I may have just let this feeling settle since I have so much free time now after I graduated 2 months ago. I graduated a year early and was now counting down the days till I got to see him. I had wanted this since we got together, we put a lot of effort into this long distance but now it was unbearable since it was close enough to touch.
I love him more than I've ever loved another person. To write him that text around 2am knowing he'd wake up to it made me feel sick, but it wasn't like I could pull it together to call him, I didn't trust my voice.
For about a month I've been slowly slipping back into my old depression. Simply going MIA on my friends, my counselor and therapist, even the people I live with. I've slipped back into old habits as well to keep the pain occupied. I only recently let music and writing try to take the reigns and give me an out. Pierce The Veil and Sleeping With Sirens have helped me so much in the past few months that it shocks me sometimes. I've always listened to them, but when I was in the dark they soothed me. I listen to them everyday just to hep get through the day. My nights are spent writing and having my headphones blasting while my days are spent sleeping. I've become nocturnal. It's better, no one bothers me at night because they're all asleep.
Final part I swear.
Even though I'm in no place to say what is right and wrong for my boyfriend. He is better off finding a good, stable girl who doesn't spend her days wanting to die. It pains me that I had to leave him but it's for the best. I know he doesn't see that, and I'm having trouble seeing it myself. I just can't drag someone down with me anymore. He deserves so much more than I could ever give him or his daughter..
Well there it all is, I guess this will help me for maybe an hour or so till I have to go see my therapist this morning.
This took awhile to get out in between typing and take moments to catch my breath before I worked myself up. Finished: 5:21
~Entry #2
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