I don't know how to be angry, apparently.

You... kind of piss me off. I get it, dude, I get it, you're confused. You're not sure if you want to take the chance on me, you don't want to get your hopes up, despite the fact that I am giving myself to you because you think I'll take it back. I'm sympathetic to that, you know I understand that you've been hurt and you don't want it to happen again.


But, holy shit, would it kill you to think about what you're doing for five seconds? Because, shit, when you tell me you love me, I swear on that heart in your chest, I feel like it's the first time anyone has ever said it to me. Because when you say it, it means something to me. I actually want it. When you hold me, when you touch me, you have no idea how much it means to me. When you're not really thinking about it and you call me babe or sweetie, I fucking snapshot that shit in my mind because 'holy shit, I can't believe it.' Every time you show me something like that, it's like the first time.

I know you want me and sometimes you really can't help yourself to just lie back and let me love you, but, dude, you can't keep... pushing and pulling. I love you, you know and, I know you're scared. You're scared I'll just decide you're not worth the trouble and I'm not gonna fuck around, motherfucker, I've thought about it. I've said to myself, 'you need to stop.' I've thought about it but I can't. I have never put so much fucking effort into one person. I have never cried for someone else. Every single time I'd say I'd pull away, I couldn't. I didn't want to. I never want to stop, no matter how hard it gets. You should know that - I like a challenge. I like it when it hurts and maybe that's fucking crazy and maybe that's fucking stupid but it works. It works. I don't back down when things get difficult, I just brave the bullets. Even when I had those fucking break downs, I never stopped trying. When it hurt. I know I've told you I'm content with being by myself for the rest of my life, but, motherfucker, baby, love, why the fuck would I settle for mediocrity when I could have someone as lovely as you? I know there are parts of you that are willing to try it with me. I know it. And for these two, three years, I'll bring them out.

You're fucking perfect to me. You're smart. You think so fucking differently than me in so many aspects and I love that. Holy shit, a lot of the time when dealing with you, I have to think, 'what would never fucking work with me?' And shit. It works for you. I love figuring you out and I want to figure you out for as long as I fucking live. You're funny, even when you make those jokes that make me roll my eyes, I cannot help but fucking smile because I love it from you. And, motherfucker, you're fucking lovely and I know I say it so goddamn often but that's shorthand. It's because there's something about you, something beyond you being smart and funny and fucking adorable and handsome and all that shit, it is something so fucking abstract and beautiful. I see something so mind-blowing, something so amazing in you and I can't really tell what it is. It's not just what or who you are, it's like it's the very fiber of your fucking being. It's not how nice you are because if you recall, you have been a dick to me. A grade-A, first class dick and even so, I rolled my eyes and kept trying to make sure you were alright.

I don't expect you to be nice to me. When we first met, you even declared yourself to be an asshole. Alright. I thought you were a condescending fuck. But even then... first met... I saw something in you. That's why I was so nice. Why I made time for you. Why I felt so fucking strongly after such a short period. What I see in you, what I feel when I hear your voice and see your face, I'm fucked up and crazy to say but it has nothing to do with your personality. It's deeper than that. Holy shit. It is deeper than your fucking personality. Your very being is goddamn breathtaking.

This started out as a rant and now I'm confessing something completely different.
July 12th, 2012 at 08:05am