Coming to Terms

The full impact on the future is finally hitting me. I'm going to be graduating next school year and I'll only be seventeen years old. I'm going to be moving to a different state in a huge, unfamiliar city all alone. I'm going to be on my own for two years and when I graduate I'll be nineteen. Nineteen and already have a college diploma and be off somewhere in the work force. I'm just... Dizzy and confused when I think about it. I'm going to be the first of five children to finish high school and then go on to college and make something professional for myself.

I think my mom is the proudest though. Every chance she gets she's boasting about 'her daughter the college girl' or 'her daughter the photographer'. She's already packing up all the silverware and plates in the house for me, she's sitting in the recliner crocheting blankets out the wazoo.

I've spent my whole life thinking about who I want to be, when I was in the third grade I would obsess about wanting to be a doctor to help people and make the world a better place. In the fifth grade I wanted to be a vet because I loved animals so much and I wanted to help every misunderstood animal out there. In seventh, eighth, and ninth grade I wanted to be a chef, just for the love of cooking. The pleasure I got from seeing someone smile when they ate what I've made for them. Then last year, my Sophomore year, I wanted to be nothing. I wanted to play my music and just be me. I didn't want college, I didn't want a stuffy office and pant suits, I just wanted to be free. And then I discovered photography. No office, no pant suits. Just me being in a position that feels natural to me, being outside with the fresh air and sunlight.

When I realized I could be someone with a camera and a good eye, I jumped on it. I started researching art colleges and scholarships and student aide, and then I found Nossi. When I found it, I knew it would be perfect. It's in my home state, not too far away from my mom and not too far from my hometown and the rest of my family. Earlier this summer I toured the school and filled the application out, I wanted to make sure I had a spot come fall of '14. I love the school, I love the vibe of the place. It's not closed in and tight, the ceilings are endless and the windows stretch as far and wide as walls. I love it.

I used to be afraid to leave my mom, because all of my other siblings did when they were my age now. When we were younger she had cancer and she fought it off, she's been in remission for ten years now and going strong, so I think I can leave her now and not feel remorse about it. I won't come back though, after I get what I want from life. The things I've had to go through because of her carelessness have damaged this relationship far beyond repair, I'll forgive, but I will not forget.

So as I sit here eating my fig bars and writing this I think I'm going to let go of my childish fears of being alone in the world. I'll be young, but I will be strong and I will take care of myself. Things will be bumpy to start, everything is, but everything is going to play out the way it's supposed to. I will make a name for myself, I will carve out a spot for myself in the photography industry. But most of all, I won't forget who I am. Even if I don't make it anywhere except a crappy apartment and dead end jobs, I'll always remember myself as a kid. But if I do become somebody, I won't let it go to my head, I won't change because of it.
July 18th, 2012 at 03:54pm