I'm going to talk about how I feel. It's a rare occurrence. I don't even really acknowledge my feelings to myself very often. Thinking about how I feel nearly always leads to my depression worsening for several days at the least. It's not something I enjoy, so I tend to block it out, but right now I feel the need to talk about it.
Right now I feel very... unknown. I don't mean by other people, but myself. Sometimes I think I know who I am, but most of the time I'm conflicted. It could have something to do with my insecurities, my lack of confidence and self-worth, my secluded "lifestyle", or even a heavy mixture of all of the above.
People that I talk to say, "You just need to get out there and make friends" or "It gets better" or some other variation of "Go get a life and quit moping" though I will say that I'm grateful they don't usually say it outright like that. What I have an issue with, however, is that I've tried. I'm apparently not interesting enough for anyone to make any effort to remain friends with me (which puts my self-worth even farther into the negative) and I'm tired of always being the only one to make an effort.
I was never very good at tag as a kid, I could get away fairly well, but if I was 'it' I had difficulties. I feel the same way about friendship. I'm very socially awkward and I've become somewhat anti-social over the past few years, so it's even more difficult, and I'm greatly discouraged by the fact that I'm easily forgotten and basically tossed aside. I don't even know how to act around people anymore, I just feel inadequate in all areas of my life.
I'm 20, 5'4" and 168 lbs of insecure, awkward, worthless girl, trying to be the me I don't even know or understand. I've tried everything capable of me in my current situation and I'm honestly just tired. There's only so much a girl can do. What can anyone say that I haven't heard? What can anyone do to help me instead of the other way around? I don't know. Do you?
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