Dysphoria rant

I hate dysphoria.

I usually don’t feel dysphoric but a day or so ago I was hanging around with my family downtown at this festival. There was a lot of people there and I wanted to pass so bad. I kept on tucking at my shirt and folding my arms (which to my mom meant I was mad at her which is far from the truth) and god I hadn’t felt so bad for a long long time.

And apparently I didn’t put sunscreen on the parts of my shoulder that became exposed when I kept on adjusting my shirt so now I have a small but painful sunburn. DAMN IT!

And the only thing I feel that I can do to make myself feel better right now is dressing up in masculine formal clothes and listen to the Hair cast recording. Berger’s songs (namely Donna and Going Down) and thinking about the script I found where Claude is a trans* man makes me feel a bit better. It still sucks though.

I'm feeling better today. Watching the new Batman movie, finding a wonderful Harley Quinn theme that was made for me a while ago in my drafts, and listening to music I love helps get my mind of it. And a friend of mine is getting me a binder which should help with top dysphoria once my sunburn stops hurting. I've tried on (female) swimsuits with a sunburn and god if it feels horrible with a swimsuit a binder should be about 10 million times worse.

My mom wants to buy me a jockstrap for packing purposes. We'll see how that goes...