I don't know anymore

No one will read this, but I think that's best.

My life is starting to matter, and that terrifies me. Abby said she wanted to be a tree, to blossom and be pounded by rain, and let her stringy roots anchor herself in the ground. How poetic of her. But that is not for me. What I want is to be needed by another human being. I want him to desire the valley of my hips, the arc of my back, the mane of my hair. As I type these words, they seem less meaningful. She wants her leaves to blossom, I want to watch the marks of your love blossom on my collarbones. I want to make you feel loved, to move against your body with such delightful static that you'll never love anyone else. My hands are shaking, my teeth are chattering. I can't quite feel the end of my body and the beginning of yours.

I'm sorry that I hurt Abby, but I'll be okay without her. She said she loved me, that she wanted to cook up all our love in the baby blue pots we found at Bed, Bath, and Beyond and kiss me good morning with it. But she's currently writing poetry for him, having sex with him, and calling me a two faced bitch. I can only deduce that she lied about being in love with me.

Brett comes home soon, and he wants to see me. I want to see him too. I'm ashamed, though. I've always felt ashamed around him since he told me he doesn't want to marry me.

I'm scared of getting rejected by UNCA. I still have to learn sign language for my senior project (if the new principal makes it mandatory). My SAT and AP scores aren't good, but I have a 4.1 GPA and several extra curricular activities. So maybe that will help? If I don't get into UNCA, I'll honestly be depressed. I have three more classes at Elkin High School, then I can graduate. Right now, my chances of getting to Asheville early are (in my opinion) 75%. I have panic attacks regularly when thinking about this.

My life is a mess, and falling into place at the same time.
How frightening.