My Fanfics and Myself

I keep staring at the blinking cursor on a blank Word page, knowing I need to get another chapter of Frank's journal completed. But my mind keeps swirling back to my new oneshot. But I shouldn't do that. Gerard and Frank are dead now; I killed them. I shouldn't torture them anymore. But I must! I have to complete their story. I have to do them justice.

But this isn't about a fanfic. No, this is about me. My fics are just my excuse, my outlet, my obsession to cover up the real problems.

I hate being like this! Torturing myself emotionally. Being in this state of desolation and agitation. I hate only having my fanfics as an outlet for my problems. All I do is sink further into my obsession. Further into my delusions. Further into harming myself, harming others. Further into the perpetuating cycle. At times like these, I hate being sadomasochistic... I just hate being me.

My therapist uses my obsession as a gauge for my mental well being. I have an appointment with her in a couple of days. I don't want to tell her I'm obsessing again. I don't want to tell her I wrote a murder/suicide deathfic. I know she's going to be disappointed. I was doing so well. I don't even know what happened. Now it's all back... The pain. The sadness. The sensation of my guts crawling. The unquenchable thirst to hurt people, to hurt myself. I thought my meds were supposed to help, but they seem to be doing nothing.

I can't tell anyone. I won't! I have to hide myself behind a mask of sanity, pretend I'm just fine. I have to continue my false affect I use when things are beyond hope. I am my fic Frank; I refuse to be a failure. I'd rather succeed at something horrific than fail at everything. Failure means I let them all down. I can't do that... not again, yet again. I can only reach out to nameless, faceless people on the internet. People that have no means of stopping me. People that grow tired of listening to me.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I be normal? Why do I drown in my emotions? Why can't I save myself?