I don't know

I feel like one moment I'm fine and the next moment I'm hiding from everyone, crying my eyes out. I feel so alone and like I can't rely on anyone. None of my friends really understand how I feel every single day.

I guess I'll explain. I met this guy when I was in the 8th grade. Over a year we became really good friends and I started to really like him. That summer we talked about it and in August we became a couple. I dated him until the end of my junior year when he broke up with me out of the blue a week before prom. He told me that his family was moving to Florida and that we couldn't be together anymore. That he wanted me to find someone better than him.

Maybe I saw it coming. Ever since his Dad died the August before we broke up I noticed him stray away and get distant.

But even if I saw it coming, it still hurt like hell. I was completely lost. I tried to kill myself, I stopped talking to people, and I had no idea what I was going to do anymore. We had this plan. After I graduated, he and I were going to be together forever. I know that sounds corny and dumb, but it was the truth. And I lived by that.

Well, 3 months later (after he disappeared and I hadn't heard from him), he came back. We talked and we got back together...So I thought. The next day he was gone. He disappeared. And I didn't hear from him for an entire year.

There were times that I thought he was dead. Times where I thought he found someone new and was just ignoring me or forgetting about me.

That entire year was the hardest year of my life. I thought my life was over.

After a year of depression, I was finally getting back to my old self. I was hanging with my friends, laughing, smiling...I was convinced I was going to be okay. I wasn't thinking of him and I thought I had finally got over him.

But I was wrong. A few days before my high school graduation, he was back. I lost it. I yelled, I cried. I was so lost at what I was feeling. We talked and...me being stupid, I "got back together" with him. Or...so I thought.

We continued talking and stuff and every night I would tell him I loved him. And he would say it back.

Well, that July he disappeared again. And we stopped talking altogether. I was kind of like "really?" and I really thought he had changed this time.

Well, his friend (that is a mutual friend for us) decided to tell me that us getting back together was a misunderstanding. That Ian (my ex) just wanted to be friends.

WELL IF YOU WANTED TO BE FRIENDS HOW ABOUT TELLING ME AND NOT SAYING THAT YOU LOVE ME?!

I guess I was a little suspicious of us getting back together when nothing was the same as we used to be. Maybe I was dumb for thinking that it could be that way again.

And so August 3rd, 2011 (Would've been our 4 year anniversary) I told him it was over.

And so here I am, getting close to 1 year since I've talked to him. And I have so many feelings. I just feel lost most of all. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get over him for good. Because this past year I have done nothing but think about him.

I just want all this pain to end.