Sex, Love, and Headspinning Drugs

Yes, I adapted this title from the 2010 movie Sex, Love, and Other Drugs. Though I've never actually seen it, the title itself seemed appropriate enough for the contents of my next ridiculous rant. So, yes, my next entry talks about sex and love. Not so much about headspinning drugs, but the emotions involved definitely deal with lots of headspinning.

Let see, where exactly do I start...

First things first: I've been in love with the same girl for almost seven year now. Because of that I have been the subject of much criticism and scrutiny from friends and family alike. Why? I guess it's because they don't really realize that I 'unconditionally love' someone, instead of just like them. And if I had conditions about how I loved her, my love wouldn't be unconditional, now, would it?

And the fact that I do love her with all my heart and without condition is important.

We haven't been together all those seven years. I'd say, at the most, we've been together around three or four years total. Which left a good chunk of time where we weren't dating, we weren't even talking for that matter. When she and I are separated, let's just say we have a lot of trouble getting along with each other as 'just friends.'

However, unlike me who has horrible horrible luck trying to date people, she's had several boyfriends. Good for her, right? At least she's not like me, who conveniently ends up liking people more than people like me. I thought it was a good thing that so many people liked her, granted one of those people who liked her in the background was still myself.

So she starts dating this guy. Ah, alright, he looks liked a good guy. I mean, I don't know anything about him, but he seems cool and nice enough. As a result, I leave it alone.

I decide that if I asked around a lot about him, I would just come off as obsessed, and that's not the kind of reputation I wanted. We already go to different schools, so if I start snooping around over there it would just come off as wrong. I 'love' her. I'm not 'obsessed' with her, and I didn't want any more people to spread more rumors about me being crazy and what not. My enemies (as in, a few girls who were always angry I didn't like them) had already destroyed my reputation, there was no need for me to add more fuel to the fire.

Several weeks passed since she started dating this guy, and I thought about her, just like any normal person would do. But I figured she was happy, and I would push those thoughts about her into the back of my mind. However, as time went by, the rumors about this guy started to trickle into my social circle. Needless to say, they were pretty disturbing. But I reassured myself that they were just rumors and probably not the truth.

So, I graduate high school, and she's on her way to become a senior. Her birthday's in June, so I decide to send her a nice happy birthday message to which she responds kindly. We get to talking again, which makes tickles me pink because we hadn't talked to one another in nearly three years. And soon enough, we become good friends, eventually to the point where we start talking semi-intimately.

I am an anime/manga artist, and I always love to share my artwork with people. I ask her for her opinion on my more recent stuff, considering I had improved greatly over the three years since last she saw any of my works.

Perhaps a funny point about my artwork is the fact that I always draw girls and, often times, they are in clothes that I designed (which usually involve frilly pajamas and underwear) or are wearing no clothes at all.

One day, she mentions how she feels uncomfortable looking at nudity and undergarments. Naturally, I ask why. She tells me that I already should know the answer. It's enough for me to realize what she's saying, and I could feel my heart explode. Not sink. Explode.

So, I respond with: "Because you've already had sex?"
To which she says: "Yes."

Oh, I can't describe how broken-hearted I was. I still am. It completely shatters me.

I mean, I understand that people are being more open with their sexuality at much younger ages than before. I knew the statistics and I've known other people who have already had sex. But damn, it's a completely different feeling when you hear that the person you love has already done it, multiple times, from the person you love.

I was upset. Speechless for a good few minutes before I managed to start talking again, in a shocked and embittered tone. She told me she did it because she liked how a person could want her so much. That answer just killed me more.

I was like: "Hello? What about me? I've loved you for six years now? I've wanted you like that too! I like to say I might not have done it because I didn't feel ready, but yes. I have dreamt about it. Thought about it. Fantasized about it. I would have loved to have sex with you too!"

She said she didn't realize how much it hurt me, and that if it made me feel better, she regretted every minute of it. She said it felt like she lost her innocence.

Looking back at it all, I should have been more comforting and understanding. I was very condescending, the way I talked to her that day, and I know it was the catalyst that ruined our friendship once again. Instead of accepting the idea that there was nothing I could've done about it, I let it fester like a sore wound in the back of my mind for months.

We're not talking anymore, and I know it's me that caused that. I cherish her, more than I care to admit. I know I should have been more caring and open about it, and I hate myself for not talking a moment to understand the situation. And as a result of the way I handled it, I can't stand watching sex scenes in movies, because the first thing that plays in my head is the girl I love, in bed with another guy.

My only comfort is the fact that I still love her. I love her for who she is, I don't care now what she's done and who she did it with. I don't care about that anymore. I love her with all of her perfections and imperfections. The complexities that define her personality and make her who she is. I really do love her, and I really do miss having her as my friend.

Working passed the idea that I couldn't have her like she could have me, I still love her more than I care to admit. And it hurts not having her to talk to.

That rant ended up being a lot longer than I had anticipated it to be. But there it is, I spilled my guts all over this page of writing. And though I feel better, I know the only way I can ever talk to her again is if I confront her face to face... Which will be difficult now that she'll be in college several thousand miles away.

I just hope that I can get my friend back.