Bipolar, perhaps.

I think I may be bipolar – perhaps.

Bipolar Disorder is genetic and runs in my family on my dad's side. My dad has BD and my half-brother also has BD, although my half-brother is the only one that takes medication for it. I never really thought if I had bipolar disorder before – I've always been emotionally unstable, however, I'd always assumed it was because of my natural temperament with the combination of my difficult upbringing. I do think these are still qualities, however, something strange happened to me last night and I'd like to share that real quick.

At around 11:10 PM, I got extremely happy. I was fucking elated for no reason. I got up and started walking around my house, texting my friend and I sent them 6 texts without them responding to one because I kept having things to tell them, whenever I'd try to sit down, I'd get right back up again and start pacing and holy shit, I felt perfect as fuck. I legitimately thought, 'what if, like, what if everything I've ever done has all been right, but people have been responding to it wrong.' It was fucking weird. I was supposed to be working on something but every time I sat down to try to concentrate... I never actually tried to concentrate, I just picked up whatever was around me and started fucking with that. I wasn't insecure, I wasn't worrisome, I was perfectly fine. Except for the fact my friend told me I was acting like a 6 year old with candy but otherwise. And then I came down from this high at 12:40 AM. I didn't get depressed or sad, I just became 'normal' again.

I've felt like that a few times before and they never have an precedent. Unlike the times when I get really... bad. Depressed, that is. Usually, they have causes, however, the causes are typically just the beginning and I sort of spiral out of control. Something can make me sad, but then the sadness will just keep going and going and going and something as simple as me dropping a bowl on the floor can make me fucking cry and remember how worthless I am. True story. There have been times where I've suddenly gotten extremely depressed for no reason, as well, however, usually there's something to remind me I have a reason to be depressed first.

But, from what I'm reading about bipolar disorder, people whom have it tend to go from extreme depression to elation, however, I do not – I simply 'level out' when it's all over. I don't build up or build down – it's just a snap back to my neutral state. And, my neutral state is also a bit... chaotic. I'm pretty indecisive, especially emotionally, but the flurry of emotions I feel in my neutral state is in the background – the process of a program, rather. It's happening but it's nothing you really notice until it stops.

I don't know. I just turned sixteen this year so maybe it's my general fucked up emotional behavior in conjunction with hormones? IDK. We'll see.
August 2nd, 2012 at 09:11pm