Thoughts Racing

I got a call from my brother saying Randy will be home tomorrow if things go well. I can't believe I was asleep from that call. My heart is pounding. I don't think Randy will be the same after all of this. Momma told me that he's lost 60 pounds. Maybe even more!
This is serioulsy going to change how I feel about my life. My whole outlook is going to change. This happend all of a sudden, and I don't think my teenage heart can take all of this at once. I feel like I'm going insane. Last week I was on my heels praying everyday that he would come back. Thoughts of suicide again invaded my mind as it did with my mother. Although, I didn't actually try this time. ( I didn't have a butcher knife in my hand). Somehow, I managed to put it down and keepon fighting. Suicide is the cowards way out. I had to stick this out through the end. I started cleaning the house, but I was still a little depressed. When I was staying at my friend's house, all I did was sleep. I didn't want to get up. I was so depressed. My thoughts at that time were ' how could this have happend?' 'Why me, god?' 'It's all my fault' 'I should starve myself.' but again, I wiped those thoughts away and kept trying to have fun. I didn't sing after I saw Randy go to Emory. I didn't want to sing. I had no desire to. My thoughts were again invading my mind, ' You don't dserve to sing' ' You sound like shit anyways', 'You shouldn't even talk. You are a discrace.' It took my a while to shake off those thoughts for those were the thoughts in my head that killed me inside the most. I had so much doubt in my mind. I was already thinking, ' He's going to die. I might as well die too.' I needed someone to talk to. Someone to hold me and tell me it was gonna be okay. No one did. Because they didn't need to. They just had to talk to me and do things with me to get my mind off of it. And it worked. I actually became more happy about the situation. I kept on praying. Hoping that one day, I could see Randy again. I am prepared for the worse. I am prepared for this next part in my life. I may only be sixteen, but I've done a lot of growing up this year. I've seen a lot of things this past summer that a teenager should never see all at once. My Grandmother slowly dying of alzeimers, my sister who tried to commit suicide over a guy, and now this. I have decided I', not gonna let my doubt hurt me anymore. I'm not going to let it cloud my judgement. I know I'm still depressed, but I'll get over it eventually. Life goes on even if you don't want it to. The only way to go is forward from here. I'm ready for Randy to come home. I'm ready for mom to come. I'm ready for my life to change.