Insecurities… Go away… Please.

Do you ever feel embarrassed for no reason?
We as people feel insecure sometimes, but the question is why?
There are so many answers but those answers never solve anything. Why are we insecure? The question should be, why should we be insecure?
Most of our insecurities go for our looks. We shouldn't ever be insecure about our looks but yet that's our biggest insecurity. Let's just stop it all now. Looks only last for so long.
People perceive things differently. It's never the same way for anyone. So, why should we care if someone perceives us the way we don't want to be perceived. Honestly? It's their problem. You can always try to get someone to like you but if they don't and you have tried… they're not your problem anymore. They don't even need to be bothered. You tried, you did not fail. They failed.

I have been insecure about my looks for six years. It started when I started middle school. Life was hell knowing that I wasn't pretty or that I wasn't skinny like the popular girls. I started comparing myself out of nowhere. After it was too late, I realized I lost all my elementary friends because of my loss of confidence. The fiery, independent, and loud girl disappeared in a matter of a week of middle school. Who was I anymore? I was lost.

Don't worry though, I was found. I was found by truer friends. But the insecurity still lingered through me. It changed me. I knew I was different by then. I wasn't the same… but nothing can ever be the same. The biggest hit of my insecurities… boys. Boys give me major insecurities… I started wondering why. Well… sure I was ugly and my personality of when I was young pretty much destroyed my reputation… but anyways guys give me insecurities about my looks unconsciously. I know that they wouldn't go up to me and call me ugly… actually… I take that back, they did and they sure did enjoy it. Anyways, I started thinking unconsciously. Questions pounded my head, it was always… did he think I was pretty? I know what you might be thinking… WHAT THE HELL? I don't know why… I was pretty sure my old self would never think that but here I was with my new self… I thought that. More and more, I think that whenever a cute guy was around. It was frustrating and the most pathetic thing in the entire world. Am I fuckin' going to let myself be like this because of a guy? Life got ten times worst from then on. I felt idiotic and so dumb. My insecurities grew more and more. I kept praying to God, "Can you please get these thoughts out of my mind?" But being God, he probably didn't get my message… yet. Why do girls have to think about guys? Why do we have to fall for guys? I'm not a lesbian, but sometimes… I wish I was. Would it be better if I was a lesbian? But no… it can't happen. My mind revolved about guys and how they perceived me. It was heart-wrenching, soul-sucking, and death-gripping. I would tear my hair out just thinking about how I think of myself because of guys. I hate worrying about myself for the reason of a guy. I feel ridiculous…

Anyways, I'm still holding on strongly to myself and I'm trying to keep myself together.