The Question: So, you have to be a 15 year old girl for a year. What do you do? This was my response

i’d probably use my advanced knowledge quantum physics to go back in time after a close call with an automobile after going home from giving my boyfriend a sub-par hand job outside of a cafe. on the drive home, in the events leading up to my near accident i will reflect on my life prior to be a 15 year old girl who gives to boys i known for less than 5 minutes. back to when i was a 23 year old mentlegen. i will ponder and dwell on things of those sorts and nearly get struck by an oncoming car (little would i know it was I who caused the near accident with my poor attention span of being 15 and a girl) but i will be none the wiser and proceed to cast blame on the other.

i will go home and walk inside drop my bag and head up to my room. about 5-6 steps up the stairwell the steps will creak despite my petite physique i obtained through constant working out and fasting. the creaking of the wooden steps catch my mother’s attention. i will hear the thunderous shouts of my hostile mother screaming “Susie you little floozy get inside this kitchen right now or you’ll be grounded!” i will let out a loud whine “but like mom, i am a 15 girl who doesn’t afraid of my parents! i can do whatever i want! i need to go text John now. omg!” and run up the stairs.

my mother will whine to my father who just came home from work about 10 minutes before i did. (i know this because i seen him after i went to the intersection after giving my boyfriend a hand job.) my mother complains about my rebellious nature but my father will to involved with his current activities of reading a newspaper to care about anything she is saying to him. their marriage is falling apart and his interest in her is depleting at a steady pace, she is to pre-occupied with her own self-lust for herself to mind, or even notice and our family goes on. my mother gets mad that he doesn’t listen, throws a pot roast in the stone and leaves a note on the table. she follows that up by grabbing my fathers red tie and yanks him to the car where they head over to the local motel and shag for the rest of the night. i am sickened by the thought of that.

i lay on my bed talking on my cell phone to my boyfriend about how life is so unfair and i whine and bitch about it. he shows little interest but i don’t mind, he buys me things. that’s what i am in this for. he asks if he can come over and i tell him yes and to not bring condoms. he asks why and i tell him “i wanna stick it to my parents.

he comes over and in the heat of the moment he rushes in the room and we tear each other apart. we shag for 10 minutes and then he pees on me. he considers himself a wolf and he always pees on me to demonstrate his value and power over the rest of the pack. (the pack being the other boyfriends i have) normally one would assume that this would bother him, but it doesn’t because he is boning my 19 year old best friend. we spend time fighting afterward and i tell him to leave and i get my car keys and leave as well to a local club where i get my 15 year old party on. i am shortly escorted off the grounds after they found out that i am only 15. they found this out after i drank 2 beers and started going topless on the counters.

so there it was; my downward spiral into madness. self loathing and depression. i was working the corners for months following and John was nowhere to be found. i was having sex for sandwiches and blow. to top all of that off i was pregnant and MTV wouldn’t accept me because i was too slutty (i scoffed at the notion of being too slutty for MTV but slutever~)

a truckload of oranges crashes near my friend and fellow prostitute Anne-Marie. we go and feast on the oranges. my scabby skin and disease ridden face was enough to scare off the local homeless men who were going after the oranges. i scour at the them and they scurry off like frightened kittens. i bite into the orange skin and spit it into the sky and bathe myself in the citrus goodness from head to toe. the first liquid my body has seen since… well i’ll leave that to you to figure out.

while i am partaking in the orange shower a truckload of Colombian coke dealers grab me and Anne Marie where we are thrown into the dirty coke factories of south america. there we partake in the cutting and prepping for distributions of said drugs. it is hot, the pay is terrible and the men are pigs. i had my child in here and they took it from me. i miss it. but what i really miss is my cell phone. i long for it. i need it. in a fit of desire for my phone i grab a gun from one of the south american militants and shoot up the place. real rambo style. i grab a chain and shoot one of the chain links at the machine that was holding the chain in place. i kill everyone of the people there holding guns and i release the slaves and hostages there. everyone cheers and shouts “Susie!” they were glad for all that i’ve done for them and it was their only way of showing their appreciation for everything i have done.

then the DEA storms the place. they see me and question me. they see me holding a gun and covered in blood but no amount of blood can hide the scars of mistakes from the past. “i am Susie Coleman, i am an American teenager. can i go home?” the DEA enforcers contact the president and afterward i am on television and given the award of “b3ing da b3st 15 yr old gur 3va~~~***” i am then taken back home where i am with a new loving family who doesn’t care about my high phone expenses or lust for dramatics. we sit down for dinner and my father says grace. what followed was music to my ears. “Dear Susie, we want to thank you for giving us a wonderful daughter and delicious food. we don’t care about our son, only our daughter. not even ourselves, only her.”
i ask how can life be any better.

my fire alarm goes off and i smell smoke in the house. FUCK I FORGOT ABOUT THE GODDAMNED CHICKEN!