Digital

I have decided to retreat to this website as I have realised I don't have anywhere to write my thoughts anymore. Every site I am on is so public. I have nowhere to hide. Facebook was never option, Twitter one neither. I used to have Tumblr, but now I don't feel like I can be completely honest and open there. Once upon a time I could use Livejournal, but now even that isn't secure enough for me. So I am here, about to pour my heart out for no one to read.

I have a problem. It's a guy. I know that's clichéd, and annoying, but it's true. I don't like it when guys get to me, I like having the control. I like it when guys chase after me. I don't like feeling like I do right now. Let me try and explain it.

So, say I log into Facebook, if I see him online I don't have the ability to ignore him. I don't have the courage to actually speak to him, so I make a status hoping he'll notice I'm online and speak to me. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

He is a bellend. He is so horrible, and doesn't realise he is. He thinks he is being hilarious, when actually it hurts. It hurts so fucking much, but I can't let him know that, because then he'd know just how much I care, and I don't want that.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, he is being nice. Not just polite. Not just civil. Actually nice. He complimented me. He is being cute and funny. I don't know what to do with this. I am convinced he is putting it on. It must be a joke. He doesn't actually think I'm pretty. How can he?

Maybe it's just my self confidence issues, maybe I'm right, I just want him to like me so much. I hate that more than the rest of it. The fact I care so much about what he thinks. I shouldn't. I shouldn't give the slightest fuck but I do! I hate it so much.

I hate him.

Then I don't.