My thoughts on Iowa

Hello again! It’s me again, as you’d probably guessed. Anyways I’ve recently had another thing on my mind that I wouldn’t mind sharing with you (you being random people who choose to click on the link that sent you here, most likely out of boredom.) Actually to put it more truthfully, I’ve recently had another thing under my feet that I wouldn’t mind sharing with you. That thing, or perhaps place, is known to people in the United States (and perhaps a few people outside the US) as Iowa. For those that know anything about Iowa, it is generally known that there is little to nothing to do in Iowa. There is also little to nothing in Iowa. It is also generally known that Iowa is nationally famous for the previous two facts. Now before I go any further I will say this: If you are from Iowa (or have affections for Iowa) then please know that this is not intended to offend you in any way. I am simply speaking from personal experience and observation and opinion and may well be completely and entirely wrong in every single regard both regarding and not in any way connected with this entry. It’s actual purpose is to do any combination of the following: amuse the reader, inform the reader, and/ or give the reader something to do because he or she doesn’t have anything better to do. That being said, I move on.
There are two very very popular misconceptions about Iowa. One, that Iowa is (and they’ve cleverly enough matched it as an acronym to it’s letters) Idiots Openly Walking Around. I know at least three people from Iowa (if I know of anyone else who originates from that place then it’s never come up in conversation) and all three of those people happen to be both extremely intelligent and also very pleasing to speak with or to. Upon observation however it does seem that most people in Iowa are doing little more than walking around aimlessly, this happens to be called wondering. I then propose that the acronym be reconstructed to better match what I believe Iowa to be: Intellectuals Openly Wandering Around. Perhaps they do have some grand and elegant purpose in their seemingly aimless travel, but never-the-less, from my observations is simply looks like a bunch of random people walking around wondering where they should go. Another popular misconception about Iowa is that it is boring as hell. It’s not. I’ve been to hell. Hell is not at all boring. I’m not going to describe the circumstances that got me into Hell, but suffice it to say that I really do not wish to go there again. If you know me well enough for me to have cried and rested my head upon your shoulder (yes, I am a sixteen year old male who is not afraid to announce to the entire world via the internet that he has in fact cried before, and in public no less.) then you know exactly how, why and how many times I’ve visited Hell. Let me say this, one time is too many, and if you ever find yourself going there but with a chance to not go there, then I beg you take that chance. You’ll be wanting to write me a letter thanking me for telling you to avoid the place. Anyways, Hell is not at all boring. It’s ridiculous to even consider that it is. It is however, extremely painful, scarring, and very terrifying. I truly am scared of the place. Iowa however is not painful, scarring or terrifying. It is simply boring, more boring even then Hell. However if I had to choose between the two, I’d choose Iowa any day of any week of any month of any year of any decade.
How do I know that Iowa is boring you may ask? I’ve been there several times. I’ve actually been there so many times, that as I was there most recently I asked myself “Why do I keep finding myself in Iowa? I don’t enjoy the place. There isn’t really anything to do. How do I keep ending up here?” The place is in fact so boring that the welcome to this state sign that I always pass as I enter the state says, and I quote: “Welcome to Iowa. We hope you brought something to do.” There really is very little to do there. I personally have never found anything that has kept my interested attention for a duration greater than fifteen minutes. … Well … I suppose that is a lie. I have found one specific thing to do in Iowa that has kept my interested attention for a duration greater than fifteen minutes. However that one specific thing to do is sleep, and since I do that in many states I tend not to count it. There is in fact so much of nothing to do in Iowa that I have actually developed a theory of why there is so much of an absence of anything. All the states on the map of the United States were (hopefully) put there for a very deliberate reason, and had a very specific thing or purpose that they were to serve when they were placed there. However, as with all absolute statements, there must always be at least one outlier, which blatantly goes against the original statement. (This is where we’ve derived “all absolute statements are false” from. In order for it to be true, it must, by principle, be false) Iowa is that outlier. After they’d compiled all the other states in the US, they were left with a more or less awkwardly shaped rectangle looking thing that they decided to call Iowa, and who’s function is non-existent other than to take up the space that was previously vacant. This is my theory for why there is little to nothing to do in Iowa. It is also my theory for why there is also little to nothing actually in Iowa itself. It also handsomely explains (I hope at least) why the state is famous for the previous two facts.
I have learned several things about Iowa while I’ve been there however. I’ve learned that the parking spaces and even the traffic symbols displayed on the roads in and throughout the state are put down in ways that are seemingly deliberately confusing and difficult and unnatural to follow. As opposed to the traffic symbols and parking spaces displayed on the roads in and throughout the state of Oklahoma which are put down in ways that are only seemingly deliberately redundant, and that look like they could have gotten the same message across with much less confusion, paint, and effort made by the interpreter of the message. I’ve also learnt that the people in Iowa are exceedingly kind, polite, and nice to seemingly everyone they come across. Much more so in other states. I theorize that this is because they have little to do in the state other than to talk to the people surrounding them. Via this theory, they’ve probably developed very good social skills, and probably grasped the obvious concept (that despite being so obvious, a majority of the people in the US have not caught on to yet) that if you’re nice and polite and kind to people, they’ll most likely like you and treat you the same way. Another thing I have learned recently brings me great pleasure to say. It is that I am gaining weight. This may come as a shock to several people because normally the goal and desire of a person is to lose weight. I take pleasure in the fact that I am gaining it for two reasons and two reasons alone. One, I sometimes (but not always) take pleasure in doing the exact and complete opposite of what is considered normal simply because I can do it and nobody can say otherwise. Two, I think that perhaps if I gain enough weight then I will stopped being slapped and/ or scoffed at and/ or shunned by the countless number of females who have taken a look at my drivers license. The most recent female (whose name I will not disclose for her privacy, but in case she reads this I will put her initials: ES so that she may realize that it is indeed her I am referring to) having done the previous two. I hope that perhaps if I gain enough weight then this will make them feel better about themselves, and not that they’re being outdone (although I don’t consider it to be a competition) by a relatively strange sixteen year old male who is without a doubt not trying at all. I do also realize that me merely mentioning her and putting her initials into this essay may be grounds for me to be slapped and scoffed at and shunned in quick secession. However if it isn’t because I weigh less (which I’ve always considered to be a rather strange scale to judge a person by) then I’m willing to take the risk.
Anyways, that’s (more or less) what I think about Iowa (and a number of other completely un-related topics) and I hope that you’ve enjoyed reading about it, and that you haven’t been offended. If you haven’t enjoyed reading about it, then I at least hope that if gave you something to do, which is more than Iowa itself can offer.