Invisible

I'm not. I have friends.
People I talk to, joke around with, goof off with, all that.
In school.
But I don't really talk to very many people outside of school..

I kind of suck as a friend. I have extremely severe social anxiety(schizotypal, selective mutism, all that.) Just like.. every branch of social anxiety you can have, I have most of them. It's really embarrassing trying to talk to someone and then realize they're looking at you and then BAM you're not able to speak.
I don't really understand most social customs... I don't like people touching me. At all. I mean if my friend is sad or something, then I'll hug them. But like... if they're just happy to see me... I like my space.
So I don't have very many friends.

I have the ones inside school that I talk to and stuff...
But like outside of school, I talk to maybe... three or four people on a regular basis.
Normally I'm happy. I don't really care.
But sometimes it really bothers me that I can't be social like a normal person.
I mean it seriously affects my life.
I never whine about it, this is just a venting thing... I don't want to put my friend through listening about my various social disorders and "Oh poor me..." Not that it would bother him, he just has his own stuff..

And.. I don't know what it is, but sometimes something (I'm never sure what) just sets me off and I feel really alone in the world(I don't have family outside of my mom and two younger brothers. I'm the screw-up that no one likes.) and I just want to like curl up on the floor and cry and cry. Which I don't like doing because it makes me feel weak and I think that's why no one likes me even though no one in school ever sees me cry and that makes me cry harder.

I just feel extremely alone when I realize that I'm one person in a whole world and no family... I'm constantly worried that my friends are going to stop being my friends later this school year. >.> I've never been to a school for two years straight through. And if I am at the same school for like part of the year, then when I'm there whatever friends I have decide that they don't like me for one reason or another and kind of just leave. It happens every time and I don't think I can handle that happening again... I mean I wouldn't kill myself or anything I just... I dunno. Probably give up on being social all together.
I'm not being over dramatic.. It seriously happens every time. Wherever I've been, if I've had friends, after about a year they decide that I'm too weird to be their friend or something and they're gone and I'm terrified that that's going to happen again.

I'm tired of losing people.