I miss you and it’s the most intensely horrid thing I’ve ever felt.

I don’t exactly know how to start this, I guess that because I don’t really know how to say what I need to say so I’m just gonna say it. I miss you and it’s the most intensely horrid thing I’ve ever felt. It’s like I don’t even want to live anymore but I know that I have to. And I hate myself for missing you cause it’s my fault that you’re where you are. I meant it when I said that I loved you, I still do. And when we broke up I spent hours just thinking about what would happen if I told you that I still love you or even that I cared. I know that it’s too late now. I’ll never see you again and if I ever do it won’t be until were old and shells of what we once were. I don’t expect you to call or even write back, it’s just that I have so much to say to you, so many questions that run through my mind. I’ve tried to move on but I even fell in love once after you but it was short lived. I found myself comparing him to you; it was a struggle every day. Neither our friendship nor relationship was ever hard, it just worked. I still remember it perfectly the last time I talked to you. It was about a month before we arrested, and it was just like we never broke up, hand holding, hugging and even a few kisses. You were the best friend I ever had. I had a chance to fight for you that day but I didn’t. I let her win again and I will never forgive myself for it. I could have saved you from everything. But I was scared, just like I’m scared now. I have spent so much of my life building up this wall to keep everyone out and making everyone around me think that I’m happy when I’m not, so they wouldn’t try to break my wall. But I’m not happy and I haven’t been for a long time. I’ll never forget the moment I fell in love with you, the day when me and my friend got in a fight and later that night talking to you on the phone when I asked you why you were acting weird and you said, “Don’t get mad, but I don’t like the way she talks to you.” I don’t know if any of this means anything to you but it means everything to me. The night that you were arrested, my sister was the one that told me and I was shocked. I didn’t really believe it until I got to school the next day and everyone was either saying it made sense or that it was crazy. The whole time that you were at the detention center I was thinking ‘I’m gonna go see him, before it’s too late’ but I never did. I just wish that I would have fought for you that day, I could have stop this all, you wouldn’t have been with all those people, you wouldn’t have started with the cocaine and you wouldn’t have killed him. Which I still don’t believe that you did, I’m not sure if I don’t believe it or I don’t want to believe it. I just want you to know that I don’t care either way, if that makes me crazy then so be it. I love you today just as much as I did before. I guess that’s all I have to say, and that you are always on my mind no matter how busy I get, you’re always there in the front of my mind.