All In My Head

It all started last week. It was a Tuesday. We had spent the evening together, laughing, talking, chasing trains that would never come. It was perfect. I couldn't have imagined a better time with you. And then night fell and we curled into bed, watching countless episodes of Gossip Girl and Skins. We were so.close. I was curled into your side, your arm around me, your fingers tangled in my hair. Your skin was warm. And then later that night. It was dark, but the light from the street light came through the window. You turned your head to me, and I swear to God I thought you were going to kiss me. You were finally going to do the thing that I had been too afraid to do for a year now. Butterflies filled my stomach. I didn't move away. And then... the moment passed. You turned away. You weren't going to kiss me. It was all in my head. Just last night you asked me, "Do you find me attractive?" Holy shit. This was it. Of course I do, baby, I do I do I do. You're so beautiful to me. So, so beautiful. And I told you so. And you said you thought I was attractive too, but I thought you were lying. I was confused, because we loved each other and now we had admitted we were attracted to each other. In my mind, this meant you liked me more than a friend, because I certainly liked you more than a friend. So, so, so much more. But apparently I was wrong. Because today you told me how you wanted to kiss a friend you were spending time with. And you said even though you wanted to, you weren't going to. You said, "You don't see me kissing you or Emily." Fuck. It really was all in my head, wasn't it? I was so stupid. I was in an illusion that I couldn't see past. I actually thought that you loved me more than like a friend. I actually thought that you wanted to be with me, that you wanted to kiss /me/. But I was so wrong. I was so far from reality. Because you don't think I'm attractive. You love me, sure, but you don't love me more than a friend. And that just breaks my goddamn heart because I could not love you more. I love you so much. Writing this makes me think of a poem I wrote for a challenge, it was to write a poem about the person you last sent a text message to. Of course it was you. And I wrote that I just wanted to place a gentle kiss on your lips, to finally be able to act out my feelings. Because I love you so goddamn much. And it's so sad to me because you don't love me back. At least not like that. It kills me inside. But I can't ruin our friendship, because it's the only thing that I have. If I lost you, I would have nothing. /Nothing/. So to protect you, I'll push aside those feelings as best as I can and pretend that I'm not crazily in love with you. Even though that's going to be the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. But I'll do it for you, because I love you. I love you.