again

So, here I am again. So, I've been listening to Check Yes Juliet by We The Kings basically all day and I have no idea why. Uh, well, I've finally made it to David Tennant in Doctor Who and I'm excited. I'm on episode 8 on season 2. Today I had a guitar lesson. I'm learning The Bird and the Worm by The Used. It's fun. So, uh, there's more than yesterday. Well, I sorta... feel... numb inside. I don't feel as easily and I can't cry anymore. I have to literally bring myself to tears and I can barely even do it anymore. Only on a good night (or a bad night--however you think of it). I'm starting my sophomore year Monday. Exciting. See, I'm extremely paranoid. I just have this feeling that someone's watching me and filming me and seeing all of the stupid things that I do and putting it all over Youtube and when I get to school, everyone will be laughing at me and I won't know what's going on and it scares me. It's horrible. And there's nothing I can do to stop this insane paranoia. It's horrible. There's a lot of bad things about me. Depression, possible Derma, possible anemia, moody, horrible person, ugly, insecure, self hating, hates everyone else, thinks smarter than everyone else, lonely, cold, shy. And that's only a few. I'm really bad. I hate and regret everything that I say and do. I'm miserable. But on a happier note, I'm going to a concert in two months I'm really excited about. So, yeah... I had other stuff to say, but I honestly can't remember. My memory is shit. Oh, I'm also very cynical. At least that's what my dad told me.. He also called me "short and surly." No joke. But I didn't mind. It was funny. And made sense. But whatever. I can't remember anything else. Well, I can, but I wouldn't want to bore you with it. Oh, but I can recall one time last week I think that I got so angry and needed express my anger so badly that I literally grabbed a huge chunk of my hair and pulled as hard as I could. But I didn't pull any out, thankfully. I'm slowly becoming more and more... infatuated with my hair. And my skin. I'm moving closer and closer to Derma, I can feel it. I feel almost like since I think I may have, I almost have to live up to it. Make myself have to symptoms on purpose. But that's not it at all. I don't know. I'm just trying to see where things go and not interfering myself. It's so horrible, being numb. I need to emotional release. It almost hurts. And I can't make it go away. I need the release. I need it. But I can't. I almost desensitized myself, so I can't really... cry anymore. I even told my friends when I was spending the night a few days ago. They tried to make me cry with these sad videos. I barely responded. But I appreciated the gesture. Oh, well. Maybe I'll have a really bad night. Hopefully. Please.