24- something I've learned (trigger warning, to be safe)

I'm only twenty years old, so I feel like there is still a lot of things I need to learn. Regardless of that, I also feel like I'm a really different person than I used to be. Once I left high school I developed this new kind of mindset, halfway because of general maturity, as well as shitty experiences with some pretty shitty people.

All my life, I've been told that I'm too emotional. That I'm too sensitive. That I get hurt too easily and constantly make things a bigger deal than they need to be. My mom used to say that I "make mountains out of mole hills." I can't even tell you the amount of times I've heard, "it's not even that big of a deal!" and been made to feel like an idiot for having feelings.

In almost all of my relationships, whether they be romantic or not, I'm the listener. The shoulder to cry on. The "mother" of everyone else. In fact, my best friend refers to it as "mom mode". I constantly feel the need to care for others. I don't feel happy or calm or content unless I know everyone I love is okay. A lot of the people in my life seem to have issues with that part of me, and maybe I just love too much. But see, I'm always there for other people. But the second I verbalize the way that I'm feeling, it's too much for others to handle. I'm told I'm paranoid, too emotional, too needy, clingy. And let me tell you, it really freaking hurts to hear that. It does.

I used to hate myself, because I believed it when people told me that. I believed that there was something wrong with me, that I cared too much, that I was melodramatic. It upset me so much that I started to hurt myself to deal with it. I couldn't verbalize my emotions for fear of being misunderstood, or told that I shouldn't feel that way. So I just took it all out on myself.

It went on for years, off and on.

It took me getting out of a really toxic friendship to realize that hey, maybe I'm not the crazy one here. Maybe I'm just the only person that actually knows how to treat human beings decently.

See, it's not wrong to care about other people. It's not a bad thing to be concerned for others, or to be upset by something. You shouldn't feel ashamed to cry, or scream, or let it all out.

I've learned that it is so important to just be yourself, no matter what anyone else might say.

Sure, it hurts to lose people around you. But never compromise who you are just to keep someone in your life. Eventually, the people you need around you will show up. I promise! I don't feel ashamed anymore. I've accepted the way I think and feel. Sometimes, I have bad days. But I get up and deal with it. I no longer have negative people in my life. Just ones that I love, and love me back, for who I am.

And hey, I don't need to self-harm anymore, and I haven't in a long time.

There are so many better ways to let it out, I promise you, and that's what I've learned.