Dying On The Inside 2

It’s funny that I have to talk to basically myself to get my feeling out. My worries and fears, I don’t want to have people hate me; think I’m an attention seeker, weak or whiney.

I’m really upset lately, not that I show it. I worry about my grandad too much, to scared that I’m going to wake up in the morning and hear that he has past, too scared that he wont make it to see me graduate. I’ve come to terms with the fact that he probably won’t live to see me have kids, get married, turn 21. But I hope and prey that he sees me graduate, that his is proud of me because that will be the last big thing he will see me do. I feel guilt that I hardly see him, that it has come to him having Cancer for me to want to see him more, but I get distracted, side tracked or just forget to go and see him which makes me feel worse. It shouldn’t take someone getting sick or cancer to make me want to see them more, to appreciate the time we are given.

I’m tired of being picked on, tired of people judging me when they don’t even know me. Saying my boyfriend must be desperate or have low standards to date me because I’m fat and ugly. It’s funny, growing up and hearing it every day, going home and crying as my self esteem depleaded you would think that I would be use to hearing it, that it would still hurt when someone says it, but it does. It’s not like I go home and cry because the bullying is only and occasional thing now but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt when someone says something or calls me something. Wether I believe it or not it’s still a hard thing to hear.

It’s interesting to see how different I am not to when I was in year seven, I use to be quiet, kept to myself, didn’t know who my real friends are, well I did but I prone to befriending those who would put me down subtly and constantly until I believed what they were saying, but know, 5 years later I don’t believe it anymore, I’m friends with people I trust, that are honest and actually care, people I can turn too but half the time choose not too because they have enough problems of their own without me adding mine to it. People I always want in my life, people I hope I will still be friends with, still be in contact with when I’m 80.
August 27th, 2012 at 04:01am