for anxiety, with no love

YOU CAN’T. FUCKING. HAVE. ME.

No. No. You don’t get me. You don’t get to take away this night from me, or tomorrow morning, or tomorrow night, or ANY OTHER MOMENT OF MY FUCKING TIME. You don’t get to have me! I don’t belong to you and I don’t belong to anyone. I don’t even fucking believe in you. You aren’t even fucking real.
{running, I am running through a maze of rooms and hallways and empty staircases and blank doors and warped wooden floors and stained concrete and for a few moments I hear your footsteps behind me, sosoclose, your talons tapping a monstrous tattoo that threatens me to the core, and for a second I believe that you may have caught me, that I will never escape you because I am not capable, because I am not able, because I built this house within in my mind to escape you but you’ve been mapping it out, oh you have indeed, and I want to ask you where you got the blueprints when your claws close over my shoulder and}
You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to control how I feel. No one does. You don’t get to make bile rise in the back of my throat. You don’t get to make my stomach roil and my skin break out in terrible knobs of goosebumps. “who walked all over your grave” I realize that I am sensitive right now, that I am susceptible to you and your pains and my weaknesses are the only parts of me that you love, the only parts of me that you want, but you can’t have those parts of me. They’re not for you.
{just before you tighten your grip I slip free of your claws and keep running, falling through a door that leads to a sideways staircase and as I close it behind me, I feel your hot breath against my neck and realize just how close I came to letting you back in. The deadbolt slides across and the chain hooks with ease, and I kiss my fingers and then place them gently along the doorframe, sealing you away with confidence and continuing to walk through the twisted corridors of the house within my mind, searching for that beautiful boy and that diamond plated room. I am sure my destination is very far from me, but I don’t doubt for even a minute that I will one day reach it.}