The Sad Thoughts I Hold Inside

I originally wanted to write a poem but it just doesn't feel right. I just want to express my thoughts without any particular format

I'm at that point again in my life where I am quite miserable inside. Some would even say I may be suffering from depression, a very minimal amount that obviously seems to be affecting me. I wouldn't really argue that but to be honest, who the hell wouldn't be in my current situation. It's quite fucking sad!

I wake up everyday disappointed that I have to wake up to the life I live now. I wake up everyday to ask the question why? I look at my main circle of friends and see that I am the one lagging behind. As far as success is concerned I am the weakest link. Everyone else is happy or at least doing much better than I and right now you could consider me the leech of the group. The sad ass dude you hope doesn't ruin the fun lol. I've been trying very hard to catch up, to make sure I get the things I need. Sadly a few mistakes in my life seem to be the most critical. It's that time where I'm feeling alone in all sense of the word.

I am quite young. This I do know. Many will tell me I have a lot of time on my hands to get on track. Lets take a moment to be practical. In this day and age you have to make sure everything is right from the start or as close to it as possible. For years I struggled with a career to follow. I ended up being an artistic individual. I didn't honestly want it to be that way when I was younger but it is what I know best. It is what I am most comfortable in. I have the ability to be good in certain fields but because of this I was never ever truly able to perfect a specific skill or talent. Whatever they may be.

Many won't/don't like to say this but POVERTY puts you at such a disadvantage in life overall. You're born into struggle or born into wealth and dropped into that struggle. It makes you or breaks you as some would say. You become a menace to society or a contributor or you become a forgotten soul within society. My biggest fear in life is to become homeless. Second biggest fear is to never achieve the stable family setting lifestyle I've always wanted as a child. Third biggest fear is to die before even achieving several goals and dreams and/before making a big impact on my friend's lives or society as a whole.

Having gone through the struggles I have in life, I've become quite an overall well rounded good minded individual. I'm almost the kind of character most people would want in their lives. Almost the kind of guy most girls would want (in my opinion). But lets face facts, without money what good is any of that? Where can you go in life? Money honestly controls almost every aspect of our lives today. Honestly, that's always been the case since times of Kings, Queens, Knights and Peasants. There was a time when the Arts were respected amongst the world. It allowed for many to create their own world and pave their own way to success through what they loved. All aspects of art are dying today (as far as I know). I am speaking from my own knowledge of the world I know so apologies if some of what I say seems to be incorrect.

My dear friends are doing better than I. I am happy for them but not happy for I. I've put myself in a predicament that is pushing me into the ground. Month after month after month. I have an unsaid obligation and responsibility to my family. I feel as though if my Dad goes, especially now, that my main family, practically my only family would be lost to the winds as I try to struggle to keep myself afloat. So many things I want and need to do but I'm far from being in the position to do so. Every time I speak to him (Dad) I get the feeling that time is short. That one faithful gloomy day is coming quicker than it should be and there isn't much neither he or I can do to prevent that. Perhaps it is just my fears but it seems to be his fear as well. It's one of those things that you can feel. The thing he's been trying to prepare me for, for years. It'll be a sad day and I'm hoping to God that day doesn't come. I'm just not ready in any shape or form.

I'm trying my best to maintain a positive stance on life right now, constantly trying. Sometimes it works but at the end of the day when going back home. It all comes back. Some may/will read this and see just another "Emo" individual. Considering emo is short for emotional, then I guess I am. I write this not for sympathy. I'm not too sure why I write this, even now. Oh, I know, I write this because I cannot share this bit of info with my friends. When you're already looked upon in a bit of a negative way amongst others you try to avoid anything that could increase that even more. You try your best to be happy and forget about all the issues you have to deal with when everyone goes back to their lives.

I just wish things were different and that I had the ability to change things around for me. Sooner rather than later and if it has to be later I would surely hope that it changes for the better. This blog turned out to be longer than I thought o.O

Oh, some of you may wonder how is it that I am able to express such things to you all (whomever reads this). It is simply because you are all strangers so I have no concerns of being ridiculed by those that are not my close friends. That is not to say any words of wisdom and kindness won't be appreciated. I will just reject all negative statements.

It just dawned on me that I've hardly written a single thing about love. I guess I'll save that for another Blog or Poem. That topic in itself is a bit much lol. Seems I may be too emotional for a woman to want to be with me these days lol. Too many problems also. :/

Okay, Now I'm Done lol...Good Grief!!