.

#personal
#dontreadbecauseillprobablyregretthistomorroworsomethingidk

feelings
I either have too many or I have none
I don't know which is worse
when I have too many I can't control myself, I'm scared of myself, I smash mirrors, grab anything with a non-blunt edge and just drive it into my skin, can't calm down until I see the blood, and even then I sit there shaking and crying and out of controllllllllllll

when I have none I sit there and stare into space and I dont want to do anything because it doesnt feel right, I'm numb, SO fucking numb, and I can't even explain how I feel, i'll be at home and i'll feel so out of place, like im not meant to be here, ill be surrounded by family and feel like theyre strangers and just agh i cant put this into words why am i fucking trying lol. but i cut in an attempt to feel something and it DOESNT work it DOESNT

im feeling numb today i cried so much last night that theres nothing left anymore but i still feel i need to cry and that's the worst thing in the world, im contemplating whether to go out with music to distract myself but i feel too ugly for that and i cant motivate myself to get ready

im not home alone but im not going to disturb my sister and tell her how i feel and ruin her day because im sick of making people unhappy JUST because of me
im tempted to take a sleeping pill and just make myself unconscious because that's kinda close to being dead lol but then ill wake up and people will shout at me and call me lazy because well i guess i ammmmmmmmmmmm

i know what i need to do i just need to cut and i wont do it too deep or die or anything i just need to get my head straight but theyve hidden the razors and im going crazy cos i only use stuff that's not razors when im feeling too much and beyond a rational state of thinking

instead of doing anything though i just post a blog on mibba
logical.
i feel so beyond giving up it's unreal and i just have to live through it, each miserable day, in the hope that one day ill wake up and it will have gone away. that day isnt going to come though lol slumps to sofa to watch jeremy kyleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee