I just really don't understand. Life is not fair.

This girl I went to school with is expecting her second baby. She just turned 18, just graduated high school this summer. Her baby is not even a year old yet. She’s married but she has no job and hasn’t grown up at all since having a child. In my opinion she isn’t fit to have a baby. I dated her once and I’m ashamed of it. Out of all the terrible stress she has caused in my life one good thing came from it and that is she introduced me to my girlfriend.

I’m not trying to bash her. It’s not really my place to judge anyone so I try really hard not to. It’s partially my own jealousy that is bothering me so much. I don’t understand it. Why do some people who don’t seem to deserve a child get so many babies? Why do some people get so many blessings while others have to struggle through life?

I am blessed. I am in a better place than I was before. But some days are just difficult. Some days I’m not sure what the point of my life is or where I’m heading in the future. I worry. I feel lost and confused. Some days the path for me seems so clear and I feel confident but sometimes I just have no idea where to go or what to do. Not all things are supposed to be understood, I know that. Things happen for a reason and at their own time. Waiting is hard. Deep down I have faith that good things are coming to me in the future. It’s just so hard sometimes.

I feel sick and tired. I just want to crawl in bed and hide under the covers right now. I want to sleep and sleep until things look better again.

I don’t understand all of the struggles I have had to face in my short nineteen years of life. They have made me stronger, I am sure of that. But I do not know why my life has been such a constant struggle. All I can do is keep moving on. I’ll get through it somehow.

There are two things I want more than anything in life. I want to be a writer and I want babies. I work extremely hard at being a writer. I am sure that it is one of the things I am meant to do. Writing is who I am. It is my life. Someday I want to be a mom and I know that’s going to be a struggle too. I can’t even be pregnant because my body is all screwed up. Getting a baby will definitely be a blessing, one I will have to work really hard to get. Other people have babies so easily, by mistake even, and I’m going to have to work so hard. At least my children will not be unwanted. The deep down desire to be a mom is overwhelming, it takes my breath away. More than anything else I want to be a mom.

I know at this point in my life I’m not quite ready of course. I’m not stupid. People look at me and they think because I’m nineteen that I’m an immature child. But I’m not. I’ve been through so much in my life. I’ve been through so much that most people my age haven’t. I’ve survived, I’ve healed. I know what I want in life and I’ll work hard for it. People think I’m insane for wanting to settle down and have a family. They think I should be out partying and enjoying being young but I don’t even really feel young. I can’t even connect with most people my own age. It makes me feel lonely and disappointed sometimes but I’ll get through it. I’ll make a good life for myself. I have to keep my faith in God that these good things will come and that I will continue to get through all of these struggles that will only make me stronger each day.