Late Night/Early Morning Discoveries Will Be The Death Of Me

Can I just start off by saying I hate Facebook? I thought going on my family Facebook and activating it again would be safe; oh how incorrect I was.

I should have removed my ex-boyfriend from my friends on there before I deactivated it the first time. I don't want to see his posts about how happy he is with his new girlfriend, or his daughter. My mind lost the battle with my heart when I decided to click on his name to view his page. Why am I doing this to myself? I don't know, I think I enjoy causing myself pain. I feel numb just knowing that he has a new girlfriend now, I feel like me breaking up with him two months ago was what he wanted.

I feel pathetic.

I feel insignificant.

I feel numb.

I want delete all our old photos from my computer, but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't notice whenever I'm in my photos looking for things; today is one of those days where it seems to be the only photo folder I have. I miss him, not really as my boyfriend, but as my best friend of 5 years. He's the only person left that knows me better than I know myself.

I wish I wasn't such a wreck. I tried reaching out to him a few weeks ago and he admitted he's more than happy to help me because he cares about me, but that voice inside my head stopped me from giving in and getting the help I desperately needed. Instead I deactivated my family Facebook again and let myself suffer in silence; I'm still pushing things to the back of my head and pretending to be fine. This voice comes around every time he crosses my mind now 'Why would he need you like you need him? You're a wreck and he deserves better. You should have died so he could grieve and move on in peace. You're making him feel sorry for you with all your problems, just shut up and leave him alone. Go back to your old coping; people don't need to deal with you'. I haven't given into this voice because I try to find a way to not believe it, but I'm starting to lose that belief though.

I have some people, actually only two people that make me feel like I need to hang on for them. I couldn't imagine what they'd feel like if I wasn't around anymore, would it be just like the voice says about my ex-boyfriend? I feel like it will, that's how it is when most people lose someone, we only hold on to a few people for the rest of our lives after they pass away. I don't think I've made that kind of impact on anyone, I'm always busy trying to pull myself together that I don't have the energy to help someone like that. I'm a pretty shit person, this has only been discovered recently, I used to be a good person. No clue where that bird went, I just know she isn't here anymore.

I think I needed to get all of this out so I can try not to think about it. I still feel sort of numb but after this is posted I'm turning off the depressing love songs and going to play some BMTH, PTV, YMAS, AA, and SWS.

~Entry #13