Dreams Suck

Right, I’m either f**ked up in the head, or my heart is telling me that if Carl ever comes back to me, that I should give him another chance. (not likely)
But this is the dream I had last night. It goes on longer, but I really don’t want to go into it.

Anyway. To the dream…

-*-*-
Just another day at church. Songs are being sung. Everyone is praising the Lord and Jesus. I look to my left, and oh my gosh, my ex, Carl is next to me. Yeah, I know its not weird to you lot, but to me that is strange because we haven’t sat next to each other in church since the break up. Always. Back to the dream. I can’t remember what song was sung, which is strange cause I’m always good with songs. I looked at Carl, who now looked as confused as I felt, but the next thing I knew he lent in and kisses me on the lips. After maybe a second, I pulled away and left the church.
Completely confused out of my head here while stood outside trying to get some air, then not long after, Carl came out after me.
“I… I don’t know what happened in there…”
Me keeping my bog shut, but I was so wanting to say ‘Well, it looked like the park happened all over again. You bloody kissed me.’ but I didn’t.
“Davinia…” ah, I melt every time he says my name, and I hate it. “… I don’t know why… but… I… I have the feeling that I just had to do it. And… I wanting another chance. I guess I still like you… I just… I just got scared and lied to myself and to God.”
Wide eyed here. What the f**k is going on here. But then I couldn’t stop my legs from taking off and me running into his arms.
-*-*-

So yeah, there you have it.
I know I’m still in love with him and its going to be a long time before I get over that.
Plus the way he’s been acting should really put me off him, and yet. It just makes me jealous and make me want to be with him again. I’ve already told myself, DO NOT GET INTO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP WHILE STILL ACHEING FOR HIM. I did that last time and my life turned to hell and that’s the part of my life he hates, cause one, he wasn’t in it to stop me, and two, I did some really bad mistakes that make people think of me as a slut.

Anyway, just thought I’d write this all down and get it out of my head cause it was really bugging me this morning when I was laid in bed.

Well… gonna go pack for uni. Only have a week and half left at home then I’ll be away. Down side to it is. I picked this place to go with my heart, and now. My heart aches for the first reason I picked it, and that was to be closer to him :/