Life could not possibly get any worse than it is right now.

Okay, maybe. But unfortunately has reached a point where I have basically NOTHING. The love of my life abandonded me, then my best friend ran 900 miles away and BETRAYED ME (so we're no longer speaking), I'm thousands of dollars in debt, and I am so emotionally unstable I could no longer keep my job. Seriously, the only thing I have left right now is family and college.

I've attempted suicide 2 times this summer. The last time was on Monday. I was curled up in the bathtub of my old apartment with a 6 inch kitchen knife listening to my love tell me I needed to learn how to survive without him because he wasn't any good for me and I would have a better life without him and blah blah blah. I literally lost my mind. My arm is permanently scarred.

I have no idea how I'm going to put all this debt behind me. I could ask my dad, I know he would in a heartbeat, but he's already paying for my education entirely. I'm going off to UTSA in january so I have at least one opportunity ahead of me. I also inherited a house in San Antonio so I don't have to worry about yucky student housing.

I quit my job and haven't paid any of my bills. I haven't even bothered to look at my bank account because it will just make me depressed.

Parts of me still feels like there's no way to escape any of this pain, and sometimes I wish I had succeeded, but I've been taking anti depressants to see if they work. I'm spending almost 100% of my time with my mom and sisters because they know i can't be left alone.

I know this blog could've been written better, but I'm tired and my standards for writing have sunk to a new low. I haven't mentioned everything going on in my life because it hurts too much to explain, but writing it out helps. Even if it's a bit vague.

I hope things get better soon. I've really lost everything except for my opportunities at school and my family. And I don't even know if I'll be accepted to UTSA because I'm just that dumb. It's my only chance to get out of this town. And if I don't go there my dad won't pay for my education and then I'm really screwed, so all I can do now is throw myself into school and lock myself in my room to study. I really can't do anything else except wait for things to get better.
September 15th, 2012 at 02:53am