Losing someone is hard. Going on without them is almost impossible.

Have you ever lost someone? A sibling? A grandparent? An aunt or uncle? A parent? A friend? A pet?

If you have, you know that it's the worst thing that can happen to you.

Two years ago, I lost my sister and since then, I've lost my grandmother, my other sister, and even my mother. Robbyn's death split my family apart in more ways than one and today, her birthday and anniversary of her death, it just brought everything right back up. All of the memories, all of the pain.... and I'm going through it alone.

My family's not all dead. No, they've all just shown how they truly feel.

Grandma is upset because she had to pay for a funeral that my mother couldn't afford. My sister believes I should have died because no one, and I quote her, "No one wants Little Miss Crazy around." My mother, she's shut down completely. Locking herself away in her room when she's not working, putting up with a drunk in order to pay bills and afford a home for Robbyn's child. I ruin everything and continually try to kill myself and join my sister.

The pain of losing someone is almost too much to bare. Some days, I cry for hours and hours just wishing that for a moment, I could talk to my sister again. I tell her daughter stories about her, how silly she was and how caring she was. It hurts to know that my niece won't ever get to make any more memories with her mother, she's an orphan left in the care of broken people.

Sometimes, I have dreams about my sister. I dream that she's still alive and we're living the life we planned out just months before she killed herself. I wake up and it takes a minute for me to realize that she's dead and I have to relive that pain all over again.

It's hard to hear her favorite song or watch her favorite movie and I can't even look at her pictures without breaking down... but when the tears finally stop rolling and I'm able to breath without aching, I swear I feel her arms wrapped around me, holding me and comforting me.

Every time I swallowed enough pills to kill me or slit my wrists deep enough, I'd hear her voice saying, "stop." I'd always manage to stop bleeding, even though I shouldn't have or puke out the pills after a few minutes of waiting. My mom blamed it on my bulimia and weak stomach but I know it was her helping me.

Crying and hurting yourself is one of many different ways to grieve but there are rare occasions where you think of them and smile.

Robbyn used to sing the K-9 Advantix commercial while waiting in the Wal-mart shopping line. She once scared herself while trying to scare me. She made an annoying saying that she would repeat over and over (rats, I hate rats they make me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once, they put me in a room. A rubber room, a rubber room with rats). She once made hot tea and poured into a plastic pitcher and it melted the pitcher. She ran into freezers, doors, walls, just about anything. The best thing about Robbyn though was that she was the most selfless woman I have ever met.

Rather than crying over what bothered her, she'd listen to me or my other sisters or even our mother. She was a protective girl, you couldn't mess with anyone in our family. She never once let us know how sad she was. She risked her job to come save me when my mom's boyfriend molested me. She stood up to our grandmother when she told me nobody wanted me. She attacked my mom's boyfriend after he hurt me... and she tried to hold on long enough to save me from him.