Because I'm Selfish

Somedays some would regret the decisions they have made. Recently I do regret most. For starters, I decided to wait to start college. Why you may ask. Well because I'm selfish and wanted to start a life with my boyfriend. I know, I know dumb right? That is working quite well actually. Until I leave for California for a couple of weeks and come back to find out if I don't pay $153 by the end of this month, I'm out. I wasn't even here for a whole freaking week before leaving to California. I didn't want to go but it was best for me to leave this place for awhile before I became a lunatic. When I left I didn't know I need to find a job as soon as possible. Maybe if I went to college things would be different and I wouldn't have to worry about finding a job or getting kicked out....

The next thing I regret the most is moving in with my boyfriend. Moving away from my family when they need me the most. Again I was being selfish. I didn't want to be around anyone anymore since my grandma passed away. My life was turning into a downward spiral. My mother and I have been fighting. My stress level kept rising and my depression was causing a lot of problems. Especially my anxiety. So barely even thinking anything, moving in with my boyfriend, on and off for 2 years, was the next best option. Living way out in the country maybe wasn't my best intention. Yes it's peace and quiet. Secluded from annoying people. Until there's a little kid that won't leave us alone. I wonder how things would be if I didn't leave home. Would the fights between mom and I stop? Would my stress level go down? Would my depression and anxiety quit causing me so many problems?

Another thing I regret is leaving my friends behind. They were always here for me when I need someone the most, till I started dating my boyfriend. It's like him over them. He has left me twice for this girl, whom I believe is a crazy, stalker, ex. Now barely any of them talk to me and I have to deal with this psycho bitch. I try to keep in touch with some but who knows what they think of me now. Then again I'm being selfish, keep blowing them off when they actually make time to come see or hang out with me but I rather spend my time with my boyfriend. Then thoughts run through my head. Like what if I blew off my boyfriend to spend time with my friends? I mean he's done it to me, it wouldn't hurt him. Or what if I didn't get with him? Maybe I would still have all my best friends back.

So I'm being selfish, does that make me a bad person? I hate regretting the decisions I have made but I guess it was for better. Then again I'm still being a selfish bitch. Maybe things happen for a reason? Maybe those decisions was made for me to learn something in life? Like how to save money instead of spending it on a lot of stupid nosense. Or how to actually live a life without the concern of my mom or dad. Maybe even to see who my real friends are. See which ones would stick around. Then again I might be wrong....
September 17th, 2012 at 11:16pm