Better

Some people don’t want to get better. I used to not want to get better. But why? There are two theories I have. One is that people are comfortable. Majority of human beings hate change. We get comfortable and don’t want to have to deal with the emotional stress of change even if it’s positive. We get comfortable in a situation. We know how to live with it and it becomes a part of us. But when that part goes away we panic. We’ve gone so long with this. What do we do without it? Even with depression. It becomes a part of you. It becomes YOU. You learn how to survive with it and live with it. Some people are scared to get better. They don’t know how to survive without this burden. They don’t know what to do with themselves. “What if I get bad again?” they think. So they stay in this depressed comfort zone. A second theory I have is that they want to be depressed. When you’re depressed you often feel like you deserve it or it gives you pleasure. Some people get pleasure from their own pain. Personally, that was me. I, for some sick reason, liked being in pain. There was a part of my mind that was evil and twisted and loved watching me suffer. But I also felt the enjoyment in my heart. It’s like being a sadist but only towards yourself. Some part of me LIKES being in pain. But I managed to grow stronger than the twisted little me and now I’m just an angry, sarcastic, cynical person. But it’s my way of protecting myself from the sadist within. If I get vulnerable, I’ll come out. So I fight that battle every day. That’s why I’m such a tough person.