About My Depression + About My Anxiety

The first two years of high school for me were the worst, emotionally and mentally and I was all over the damn place. My mind had shorted out by then and I was getting physically tired of living and putting up with the world. I had friends, though I lost a fair few at the beginning of sophomore year,, but I dealt with it and I'm getting over it now. I was convinced I had gotten over it after a couple months, because I was good at getting over things -- I didn't care. That was the trick -- that's the trick to it, getting over things, just not caring. If you don't care, you don't have to cry and feel bad about yourself because, oh no, things didn't go the way I wanted them to go. Life goes on.

It was a lie at the time, but I'm over it now, thank god, and I can honestly say I am happy it happened. I do not want to be associated with the kind of people they have turned into, but anyway.

I was depressed, and it seemed like I was entirely alone and the entire world was against me and nobody noticed or cared -- or that's what I would have said back then. In fairness, my mother and my friends tried over and over to get me to go to doctors and therapists but I always blatantly refused to because I was convinced I could deal with it on my own.

I didn't want to vent to strangers, I wasn't comfortable with it and I was convinced I'd never be comfortable with it. Of course I did eventually start seeing a therapist and things are much better now, but I used to be very resistant.

Truth was, I couldn't deal with it. That was that; I was depressed and it was getting worse and I was so proud that I couldn't admit it. I was naive and self centered and absolutely riddled with social anxiety. It's the kind of self centeredness that causes that anxiety, where you go out in public and you get stiff because you think every ones eyes are on you when they're not, because it's not about you. Who cares about you? You're not going to step into a room and have all eyes on you in your raggy old jeans and your dirty old black tee shirt that the last time you washed was like two months ago, which is just disgusting, by the way.

I had to teach myself to walk into a room and realize nobody in that room gave a fuck about me. It's about accepting the fact that people need places to put their eyes and at some point those eyes are going to be on you.