Rants About Disappearance I

I just want to stay home, read books, drink iced tea, take naps, and act like it's all I need. I've been asocial (no, it's not antisocial- that's a personality disorder, described as "a pervasive pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others that begins in childhood or early adolescence and continues into adulthood") for far too long. I need somebody, but I can't start that again. I can name all the people I've probably disappointed when I disappeared.
I think about them a lot, but I can't bring myself to do it. I didn't even do anything they'd never forgive me for, unless disappearing from their lives without a trace counts as something I should never be forgiven for.
I hate overusing words. But disappear is the only one that describes the situation. It wasn't a hiatus, I never promised return. I vanished. I was gone. I was there one moment, and I never came back. And I don't understand why.
I needed to know who I was. I was losing myself, and I wanted to be alone, to hibernate, to cease existence.
But can I really return and act like it was a day instead of months and months?
After all that time, I wish I had at least found what I was looking for.
(Will I ever really know myself?)