I'm tired. I feel emotionally and physically drained. I seriously don't know what to do anymore because I'm torn between how I feel and what I want to do. I need to vent to someone, but I don't want to be a bother, so I'll do it here.
I have gone through so much with my best friend these past few years and I don't know if they have been well-spent or wasted. I truly love my best friend and I enjoy being with her, but sometimes I feel like she takes advantage of the fact that I care so much for her. I have always been there for her whenever she's needed me, but I can't help feel she uses me at times.
The first year I met her, she started dating this guy who was just...he was, well, he was an awful boyfriend. During the beginning of their relationship, things were fine as they usually are when two people start dating, but as the months went by, their relationship started going downhill. They were always fighting and I always found her crying because of him. And every time they fought, I was there to comfort her and try to cheer her up.
They were on and off for two years, I think. All of our friends told her, her boyfriend treated her like crap but she never listened, and that's one of her problems, she never listens. I mean, NEVER. She's really thick-headed and she's really stubborn. To make the story short, her boyfriend hit her one day. He actually had the nerve to place his hands on her. I remember she had come to my house crying and when she told me he had hit her, I took off after him. So much had been going through my head in that moment. I couldn't believe she had actually said she loved someone like him.
When I got back to my house, I remember comforting her and trying to calm her down. I kept telling her to call the police and tell them he had hit her so he could be arrested and be put behind bars, but she didn't. I was just so mad at what had happened and I was also mad at her because in that moment, she finally realized he wasn't a good boyfriend. It took her until that point for her to realize he was a douche bag. I will always remember screaming at her and nearly breaking down myself because of how frustrated I was with her.
That is only ONE of the many incidents and problems I have been through with her. I could go on for days and days about other problems she's had from family problems to cheating to even problems now she has with her new boyfriend. And every time she has a breakdown, I'm the one she runs to because she knows I won't ever turn my back on her or judge her for her mistakes.
Sometimes, I don't feel like I'm appreciated and even if she does say she's thankful for having me in her life, I really don't believe she is. I feel like she uses me because she knows I won't ever abandon her. I just feel overwhelmed.
Just recently, I almost ended our friendship because I felt we were distant and I just had enough. It's like every time she gets a new boyfriend, she stops talking to me or hanging out with me. It may sound like jealousy, but it's not. Whenever she gets a new boyfriend, I'm truly happy for her and I hope he's good to her. But before she has a boyfriend, she comes over constantly and by constantly, I mean she would come over every other day and stay at my house for hours. She's my best friend and I have never minded her company. It's good having someone else keep me company at the house other than my parents. But I just feel she would come over because she had nothing else to do with her time and she knew she was always welcomed at my house. It's like, whenever she was bored, she would think of me and ask to come. Then, she gets a boyfriend and suddenly we stop hanging out all at once. We went months without hanging out, and even if we did talk almost everyday, I didn't feel like it was enough. It didn't prove to me that she truly and genuinely cared about me as her friend and I just didn't want to feel like I was her second option anymore. Eventually, I ended up telling her I felt like our friendship wasn't working out. She didn't take it too well and she told me to have faith because she would make things work.
Fortunately, things have been better but when she does get into a fight with her new boyfriend and she comes to me to rant and asks for advise, she says she'll take it but she doesn't. We still don't hangout as much and even if our relationship is a bit better, I'm just exhausted. In reality, I don't see things are changing, but I don't want to tell her that because I still have faith things will get better, so I stay.
Like today, she messaged me and asked me if she could call because it was an emergency. When I answered the phone, she was crying and she told me she had blacked out twice. When I tried calming her down and asking her how she felt, she said her arm was numbing and that her chest was tight. The moment she told me, I immediately told her to go to the hospital. I don't know how many times I told her and her boyfriend to go to the hospital to get checked out and she didn't listen. I can't express to anyone how extremely worried I was about her. You never want to imagine someone you care about in a situation like that. Even my parents had been worried about her and she didn't listen about going to the hospital. I was freaking out while we were on the phone and I was telling her boyfriend, frantically to take her and even he didn't listen. I don't know how she is now because she said she was fine but I really don't think she is.
I don't know if it makes me a bad friend for not caring about how she is right now. This is just one of many things that she hasn't taken my advise on. I feel like I waste my time on her sometimes. I'm just exhausted and I really don't know what to do anymore because I want to stay friends with her but I don't feel it's a good friendship. I don't feel things are going to change and I know things are always going to stay the way they are now and they always have been.
I probably look like a bad friend and I even wonder if I am. I'm just tired.
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