What I Think

So I'm sitting here in front of this blank computer screen, trying to figure out what cheerful things I can put in this blog to make my life seem like it's all been just peachy this year that I took a hiatus from all things web-related and just lived my life. And about the only positive thing is that I fell in love. But as you all know, all good things come to an end, whether you like it or not. So I learned the hard way that it was better to not have loved at all. I'd rather be single and lonely for the rest of my life than to ever feel the pain of loving someone so tenderly, unconditionally, and then having them look at you and say that you weren't the person they thought you were. I've spent this past month after the breakup trying to figure out how to make myself more attractive to him. I wonder where I went wrong, And I could possibly have a reminder of him growing inside of me as we speak. Love is a scary place, one which you should not travel alone. The ultimate goal is to find someone to love you fully, someone you can put your blood sweat and tears into but in the end you always find out the bitter truth - they've lied, they've changed, they're not the person you thought they were. You will always be disappointed when seeking a mate because no matter how perfect you think he is, he's got a secret, a closet full of skeletons that trust me, you don't want to see. I've learned the hard way. I cried every day for a month and asked myself what I did to deserve this. Why did I have to love someone so much and them just get stripped away from me? Why am I so undeserving of love? And in the end, why has it made me so bitter? Why am I such a bitch to all my friends and family right now? Why do I have all these emotions I can't control? And the most important of all, why am I still waiting for him to take me back into his life and live happily ever after? I miss him so much, every second of every day, and I am constantly reminded of the night that ruined us. That stupid party, everyone drunk, and that girl he deserted me for, in the middle of an unknown state, with no friends and a dead cell phone. Now most of you are saying, "How in the hell could you love someone that does that to you!?" and to be honest I have no answer. There is just something deep inside of me that tells me to keep fighting, keep fighting even if you feel weak, even if you feel like giving up. There is something special about him. Maybe it's just because I want to feel loved again. I want someone to look at me and smile when I walk in a room. I want someone to point me out in a crowd and say, "That's her. She's mine." I want to hold on to someone when I'm upset and fearful for the future, and have them comfort me. I want to comfort him when he's upset. I want to be everything he wants, but not always everything he needs. I don't want to play the only part of importance in his life, but I want to be one important thing, at least. And I don't feel that now. Truthfully I haven't felt that way for three months, and It's been a long three months, but I'm hoping that things will change for me soon. I need a change before I end up going crazy. Oh well. I think that's enough pointless drabble for one blog post.