One day at a time

I hate myself. Everything about me I hate. I hate it all, because I can't change, and I have no one to talk to too help me through it. The only people there are, are the people who expect things from me I can't do; and yell at me if I say other wise.

I have no confidence. Each day, it seems that every brick I build to block out all the negative (to keep in the positive), something finds a way to knock it all down even further then where I started. I fear that when there's nothing left to knock down; what I am will chip away.

I will fade, and no one will care. I am air that is used to fill nothing more than extra space. I'm unwanted when I'm anything but what they expect. If I'm not perfect, I am worthless. I am I am I am. To them, 'I am' is what they expect. To me, 'I am' is nothing more than an existence that I don't want.

I try to forget the hurt. To deal with it. To buck up and be a grown up... hell, I'm fifteen years old! FREAKING FIFTEEN! And I'm not aloud to cry, to feel, or even think. I'm supposed to be, and at the same time I have to be enjoyable. They expect me to smile and laugh and be interesting on top of it. If I don't try to make friends, I get yelled at for being unsocial. But when I try to make friends, I end up where I started: ignored. Just now, I notice it and it hurts.

When I mess up, I annoy everyone. But when I do well they point it out, but I never get recognized... I never get rewarded. What's it worth? What am I worth? I don't like being used. I want to say that. To yell that. But, in the end, I'll only get the same response: "Deal with it."

I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to be used and then put back into the box for later. I want to feel important. I want to feel wanted, at least. But that's not how it works, ever. I know that. That's why I'm blogging this, and not saying it. That's why I cry at practice, and sob a night. That's why I wonder when I'll finally end it all before it ends me.

Expectations are a heavy burden... but disappointment is a pain that stays until you can either push it out, or let it push you under until you drown. Right now I'm drowning, and each day things get dimmer and dimmer. Soon, I won't be able to see at all, and that's when I'll let go. That's when everything will stop. That is when they're done with you. That is when they try to care before they put the blame on you.

People are monsters.