Twists & Turns Of Random Thoughts *Warning...Quite Random

Here I sit, at home, on my couch, in my black skinny pants, yellow rebel music shirt layered over black thermal, black skully on my head, and watching "Fresh Prince of Bel Air."

My eyes are mostly shut, at least to the outside world. My mind is full of thoughts.

Thought #1: I wonder why I am who I am if I can't even really enjoy being who I am. My personality and emotions conflict constantly when aiming for the things or people I want but wait...I'm a great guy with a great personality so what the hell could be wrong?...everything and nothing at all :/

Thought #2: There are things I want to say to my best friend but you know, to be honest, I just can't..why?...well...because there are some things that one must keep to self...one must not corrupt the mind of another, never intentionally. I would talk to other best friend but, well they would not understand and they would think I am wrong but once again, to be honest, I'm tired of thinking/feeling like I'm wrong. Initiating wrongful acts out of desire do not leave guilt upon my soul for it was done for a reason. It was done because a limit was reached, things were done, and curiosity seeks answers.

Thought #3: Sometimes I think I'm going to hell. I think bad thoughts but never act on them but the mere thoughts themselves make me feel like I'm very wrong to the core. Immoral thoughts, vengeful desires, a want to take what I believe should be mine without permission nor care of the feelings of others.

Thought #4: I had many a dreams as a kid but these days, well, I can barely manage one...other than having stable income and a family. There are so many options of what path I should follow for the future but I just can't pick one because none of them seems perfect for me. Sure I have the capabilities to succeed in this one or that one but without the passion it's all worthless but I haven't given up, not yet! I can't...I have time but it's running low, very low. I'm scared as hell, I really am.

Thought #5: I strive to be that friend that people can count on. The kind of friend that can change lives towards a positive light. The kind of friend that people want to have around (of course...minus the sad and depressing parts of me lol). I know I have the ability to help my friends, at least my special friends, those that want my help. I definitely need to help myself but I worry sometimes that I won't find that help in others. I'm one of a kind in my own way but sometimes I really do wish I had a friend that thought like me or that is like me. I think I have one of those now but I'm worried. I had one and I lost her. I had another one and I lost her too. I even had/have a third and well, that one isn't turning out so well. There's a reason why I lose them and it's never really entirely my fault but there's always a conflict and once space is needed, nothing ever remains the same. Anyway, I like friends. I love my friends. They are an important family to me. I love all of them. Some I love more than others. They know who they are of course. ^_^

Thought #6: I'm thinking about something I shouldn't be. I'm thinking about something I shouldn't want. You're not going to know what I'm thinking about right now because it's better you don't know but I want to talk to somebody about this but I just don't know who but I feel like I know what I should do and that's forget about the whole thing right? That's what I should do. It's not right...it's so fucking wrong...now wait a fucking minute lol...I'm not going to feel wrong about this, not this time, not even one bit, there's a reason, a special reason, a reason that not a single friend will ever know...sigh...but I really wish I could tell somebody :(
I want to tell somebody....I'm eager to..but now after all of these twists and turns of thoughts, some of which seem repetitive...I now end this strange random blog and head off to sleep and right before I doze I will think and think some more.

"What is the right thing to do...but do I really even have that kind of choice?"