The past 4 months summed up. It's a lot. I know, but it's been a while...

Fucking internet screwed up so I had to rewrite this… okay, just the first paragragh. But still, it’s irritating. So anyway…
I realize I haven’t posted in a while. Over four months actually. Quite a bit has happened, and writing about it makes me feel at ease for the most part. Let’s see…where to begin…?

Well I graduated high school! Finally done with that crap. I won’t be starting college until January, though. I took a semester off kind of get myself together. But I wasn’t sitting around doing nothing… I took a 6 week CNA course out of state. I just tested for my stateboard, but I won’t find out if I passed for a couple more days. I’m fairly confident that I did well, though. Still, I’m a bit anxious to find out.

I am currently living with my grandma here in Arizona. It’s been almost 3 months and I can’t wait to go back to Cali. I miss my friends<3 Hopefully I’ll return in a few weeks. Don’t get me wrong, I love it out here and all…but I just really miss home. My mood’s been up and down like crazy out here and it freakin SUCKS. I finally broke down to my mother (over the phone, obviously) about me finally wanting to get help. Actually it’s not really that I want it… I need it. So we agreed that I will go see a specialist when I return home. It’s bittersweet, really.

I know I need the help, and I want to get better… I just fear having to get tested and being diagnosed with some form of depression, which I know I have. I don’t want any labels of my mental illness interfering with my life. Because of my concern about what I should do—when I was first debating about talking to my mother about it or not—I wrote and submitted a few long paragraphs of me asking for advice on a community “Help for Depression” page on facebook. It was posted anonymously, so complete strangers could read it and reply with their own advice without knowing who had asked the question. I wasn’t even sure if it would help, but I didn’t know where else to go for advice; it’s not something I advertise to friends. Anyway, my post ended up with 25 comments from complete strangers, waaay more than I thought I’d see. And they weren’t little one or two-worded comments, they were full out, heart-felt words of advice. I can’t even begin to describe how that made me feel. People who had no clue whatsoever of who I was took their time to write such kind and helpful words of encouragement to a random stranger. I am so beyond grateful that they did, and I will find a way to thank them all eventually. They gave me the strength I needed to accept the fact that I DO need help, and to finally ask for it.

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On a completely different topic, I've a few more issues with the guy I like, and have written about before. We've always been on and off when it cones to our friendship. We go from not talking at all to talking on the phone for hours at night and textin all day. The last time I mentioned him here was a few months ago, when we stopped talking, and we didn't start talking again until a month or so after that. Once again we were back to our flirtationship, telling eachother how we each felt about one another, but never acting on it as usual. This time, though, we agreed to try dating, once I was back home. We talked pretty much everyday and things were going well, up untill a few weeks ago when he was just acting weird. After he told me what was going on(just him complaining about little things and how he felt about this and that), I had told him he was overreacting and things weren't really that bad, etc. After that night we didn't talk for a few days. Finally after about 2 weeks I found out he now had a girlfriend. The guy who was supposed to be waiting for me had a girlfriend. It was only 3 days after our "fight" that he and this girl started dating. I don't even know how long they had been talking before, if at all. The thing that hurt the most was having to find out for myself, instead of him telling me. We still haven't talked, and I'm nmot sure when we will. I honestly have no idea what to say, as I'm still a little hurt over it. It's okay, though. Really. I had told myself after we stopped talking a few months ago that if I had another chance to talk with him and become close again, I would tell him exactlt how I felt. That's exactly what I did this last time....and this is where I ended up.

I am one of those people who believes everything happens for a reason, so if this is where we ended up after I opened up to this guy, then maybe this is how things are supposed to be. Maybe we just aren't meant to be together, even if it does really hurt.

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With that all said… not too much else going on with my life at the moment. Really just waiting to get my test results to find out whether I passed or not. Then I get to plan the day I go back home :) These past months have been interesting, now to wait and see what the remainder of the year has in store for me. Sorry to anyone who actually bothered to read this. I tend to write a lot more than I originally plan to, but I’ll be writing more frequently, so there’ll be less to read per blog. Not that it really matters I guess. I just write to vent, whether or not anyone cares to read it.

Okay it’s almost 3 in the morning and I have yet to sleep. So for now.

Goodnight,
From yours truly