Mourning the loss of a best friend.

How do you deal with losing a pet? Last time I lost a dog I was in Grade six and so young, I don't remember how I dealt with it. This is so hard for me, I'm torn between trying to make it through classes and having crying jags.

My dog Turbo was put down yesterday at nine am while I was in class three hours away. That was the most difficult class of my life, looking at the clock and knowing my parents were doing one of the most difficult things they would ever have to do. I feel guilty when I'm not crying, like I'm not mourning his life properly. All I feel is guilt.

When I left for school at the beginning of September, I never thought Turbo wasn't going to be there. Hell, I didn't even say a proper goodbye because I thought for sure when I got home for Thanksgiving he'd be there, wagging his tail like he always was.

Mid September he became really sick, puking and not going to the bathroom properly. He was losing his appetite, and eventually he started to lose weight. The vet thought it was a virus at first, and for two days the pills and food they gave him worked. He was getting better. And then he simply wasn't.

On Monday morning my parents took him back to the vet and they found a lump in his belly that was rather large. It was going to take thousands of dollars to fix, and they weren't even sure it would help him. So, my parents decided that yesterday was the day they were going to put him down.

He was only six years old. I didn't have enough time with him at all. I took so many things for granted. I'm so glad he is no longer suffering but the selfish part of me wanted to see him one last time. I never got to say goodbye, and that devastates me. He was put to sleep while laying in my mom's lap, given love until the very end. That very idea haunts me, I wish I didn't have to lose him.

I don't know what to do, or how to go about things. I just...I miss him so much. I wish I had treated him better. I wish I had given him more treats, more love, just...spent more time with him.

I am just so devastated and heartbroken, I can't deal with this sadness.