two in one week?!

So over the last year I have had an issue with lying to people (really my parents). Well my whole life really...I tell them half truths because I can't handle the disappointment when I tell them what I have done. The last year and a half has been full of me failing classes at college and telling them I was going to class and that I would be fine. I guess I should have learned by now that I can't hide things from them forever...The most recent event in this ongoing problem of mine is my English class (which I had already taken twice and had hoped to finish well this third time). I have not been in three weeks and today I find out that my teacher pulled me from the class...now I didn't want to take it this time anyway...I didn't want to go to school this semester actually but I was kinda forced into this...I don't know what to do to make this right with my parents...I don't know what I want to do but I want to do something that means something. I want to matter. I am not a school person though...I've never been a school person. I am still trying to figure out what I want to do...I thought at one time in my life I would be a writer (but as we can see I write in horrible run on sentences and I know not the meaning of punctuation). I once wanted to arrange adoptions or get kids out of bad home situations...there was a time I wanted to be an orthodontist. I also have wanted to be a singer...truth is I want to do something with my life but I just don't know what I want to do. When I came home from my first year of college I wanted nothing more than to just not go back at all...I wanted to find a job and just work...now I am stuck in a job that I kinda like but I don't get to do everyday because I am stuck in school two days a week. I really just want to work right now but I can't do what I want because that isn't enough for the world. I am supposed to go to school now. I am supposed to know what I want to do in life. I am supposed to at least appear like I have it all figured out and I can't even fake it. And should I have to? Is it fair to me to have to act like I know what is going on? Can't I just work and figure it out and then move on? I want to travel...I want to see things. I don't want to be that girl that went to school, got a job and never left where she grew up. I want more. I don't know if there IS more but I want to at least find out for myself. I wish there was a way to see into my future to see if I ever do anything. I mean right now I feel like the world's biggest failure. I can't even make my mother happy...and she has to like me...it is kinda in the job description of being a mother. All I can do is fuck up and write about how much I want to change myself. I can only fake being okay for so long until I break down and let people see what is really going on. There are little breaks in the wall I have built around myself and people see a little of what is going on inside my head but never enough to see that I need help. Here is the only place I feel like I can be honest...I can write what I feel and never have to apologize for doing what I do. I just don't want to do this any more. I don't want to live at home, I don't want to go to school, I want to do something that matters...